AZ, since you choose to converse directly with me, lets go at it. Obviously there are generations that separate us, but what the heck, lets go. Yes the halacha is that the shadchan has to get paid before the Chuppah. Now AZ, FYI, that doesn’t mean literally that the shadchan meets you and your parents at the end of the isle or at the chuppah itself. What it does mean is this. No one should walk down to the chuppah if they have NOT paid the shadchan, it is a bad omen. It is THAT important to pay the shadchan that one should not even consider walking down to the chupah if the shadchan isn’t paid.
The Torah does not designate when that has to be, but it did show the importance of paying the shadchan and that a chupah should NOT take place if the shadchan was not paid. I hope we are clear on that and there is no misunderstanding about it.
The halachic obligations of paying the shadchan is satisfied if one gives the shadchan a dollar. That is considered paid. Ask your LOR. There is no halacha that states anything about “Community Norms”. Please show me where that is brought down.
As far as fees are concerned there are some very well known shadchanim in BP who I was made aware of when my daughter was dating 15 years ago who took $10,000. One of those shadchanim called ME when my sons were of age, he said to me “I heard you have boys, I have girls” I said no thank you. How did he hear? It didn’t matter, my point is this. Everyone knew what the professional shadchanim charged. There was no norm in MY community and there still isn’t. In my circles at the time we gave gifts. My friend told me that her friend set her up, and she gave her $1,000 and she heard years later that she bad mouthed her and said she could have afforded to give her much more since she got married at 40.
If you don’t want anyone badmouthing you the lesson we learn from this is to ask what they want. AZ, who exactly sets the NORM for the community? What is the NORM for BP? Is it different if you live above 13th avenue? Below? Is it different if you live in the 40’s, 50’s or 60’s? There are different economic scales even in BP. What is the community NORM for Flatbush? Is it the same in Midwood as in Madison? What about the Sefardi community, is it the same? Kensington? Marine Park? Ditmas Park? Is Brooklyn then considered one Community? What about Five Towns? Is Shadchanas norm different in Far Rockaway than Lawrence? Is Lawrence different than Cedarhurst? Is Five Towns the same as Queens? Is the East Coast the same as the West Coast?
Can you clarify? Or does it have more to do with what the parents can afford?