blabla, I’m really off to bed now, but I had to respond to your poem. Firstly, it’s beautifully written (as are the others you wrote). Second, please remember that Hashem has NEVER and never will abandon you c”v. You’re his precious daughter who for some reason which we cannot fathom has to go through some hardship. Third, please get yourself the right tools to deal with the pain and your struggles. Listen to CDs that are comforting, empowering and soothing (I think you can get a heter to listen to music if it calms you). I listen to Lucinda Bassett director of the Midwest Center for attacking anxiety and depression whenever I’m stressed out or experiencing anxiety symptoms. (I will listen to them tonight since I had a small incident which made me really edgy. Thanks to her, I have the right tools to deal with everyday challenges.)
And last but not least, please do continue trusting people! Don’t follow everyone blindly, of course, but BELIEVE IN HUMANITY. Most people are nice and caring – just look at the comments above! Just because one rav betrayed you (not that I know what the matter is, so I can’t really judge) doesn’t mean you can’t trust ANYONE.
Good night, hope sleep will calm you somewhat…:) Hatzlacha rabba meod! Layla Tov.