I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
You don’t sound like a bad friend, you sound like a normal person. A long time ago, I used to take private swimming instruction and when I was learning how to float, the instructor would “hold” me. When she switched hands, I reached out to grab her. Right now a support system that you’ve come to know and trust is “switching hands”. Its completely normal to feel what you are.
Writing is a release of emotion, but if you have an “emotion eraser”, that would be great. Maybe thats music, exercise, drawing, cooking etc. but something that gets your mind away from the serious things. If you are looking for a “pick-up” song, one of my favorites is “You’re Never Alone” by Avraham Fried.
Wish I could give you a real hug now. I know PE already offered, but my email address is available too.
Keep going. It can and will IY”H get better. 🙂