lightbrite: I think that you need to figure out who you are and where you want to be before you date for marriage. Then find someone who has similar aspirations- even if he is holding on a somewhat different level. meaning you both need to be on the same escalator going to the same floor, even if you are standing on different steps.
If you want growth and want to get closer to Hashem, then you need to find someone with similar values. It can be someone not-frum who wants to change, like you, or someone frummer who understands your challenges and will help you achieve the growth you want.
I think the message that everyone was trying to convey about b’shert is that it really is not something we should worry about. we just need to find the person who is compatible, who will help us to bring out the best in us. You are not davening for a specific person, but that Hashem should help you find the right person at the right time. In the meantime, you need to work on yourself to be the very best you can be. I don’t look at a shidduch as a prize to be won based on merits- more merits you have, better catch you get, or the sooner you find it. You need to improve yourself for your own sake. Then you will have what you need to bring to a marriage and complete your neshama with its missing half. And then you both work/grow together.
One more thing- Middos and Torah are hand-in-hand- we learn what are proper middos from the Torah, by doing mitzvos we develop proper middos. Without a specific set of guidelines (i.e. Torah) as to what are proper middos, truth can become very relative and things get very messed up.