Write or wrong (or should I call you WOW?) – if I were in your situation, I would hope someone would tell me this: please find a Rav/Rebbetzin/frum counselor/therapist to walk with you on this road. There are a few good reasons to do this:
1. As much as we care about you and your situation, we (well, I for sure) know nothing about you or your son or your family. For truly good advice, you will need someone who has a much clearer picture.
For example, I don’t think the advice about listening to his earphone would EVER work for me: not as a child – I’d view it as a boundary violation, and not as a parent – I’d view it as phony.
Hopefully this person will help you gain insight into your child, give you practical tips of how to handle specific situations, and help you approach this challenge with optimism.
2. You seem to be taking this personally. This is definitely a nisayon for you, but his frumkeit level is not essentially about you. It is not about what you did right or wrong, how you favored him or didn’t favor him – not at this point. That is history. You need to individuate; this will allow you to have your rational side be in charge of this situation.
Many people like to assume that their successful children are a result of their successful parenting, but it just isn’t always the truth. Some awful parents have great kids, some great parents have terrible kids – we will only understand the reasons after 120.
3. You have other children and you know you also need to take care of your emotional health for their sake. Please do.
I will keep your son in mind in Birkas Hatorah and Ahavas Olam. He is Hashem’s child so we are only asking Hashem to do what He wants to do: to ignite the spark of Torah in his heart.