“Is it possible he could come out of this without counseling? The more I think about it, the more I think that he will never open up to someone, and even if he goes back today to Yeshiva, I know we will be walking on eggshells until the year finishes.”
That’s an interesting question, and it doesn’t have an absolute answer. The discussion came up at our place one night about why some people seem to be able to take what life gives them and keep moving on, and some people fall apart. The only reason we could come up with is that hashem made some people more resilient than others, and that it’s not a universal assumption that just because A powered through his problems that B can power through his. Some people are naturally resilient, some people need others to enable their resilience. So can he recover on his own without therapy, etc?
Depends on what you mean by recover. There are two issues here, one is the fact that he’s moving further off the derech, and the other is that he clearly has some emotional stuff that he needs to work through and sort out. That creates many possible outcomes. He may stay frum, but be constantly resentful; he may abandon yahadus and channel his frustrations and anger into that pursuit; he may stay frum and recover on his own and live as though he never had the problem. Anything is possible if he’s left to his own devices.
What he needs is someone he can trust, someone he can tell anything to. Apparently you’re not that person, which shouldn’t offend you or make you feel guilty, it’s not for lack of trying on your part. Everyone needs their own friend, or mentor, or whatever to talk to and confide in, and that doesn’t have to be a parent necessarily. I had issues, and they were only resolved once I found that someone I could trust and confide in. That can sometimes even obviate the need for therapy. Obviously therapy is highly recommended though.
About yeshiva. I’ll share a bit of my experience. Without going into details because my situation was nothing like you and your son’s, I missed most of twelfth grade. In the beginning of the year I missed once a week, but by the end of the year I only came once a week and even then I came late and cut out early. I didn’t enjoy learning very much, and my priorities had shifted from learning and studying to working and doing my own thing. But I couldn’t officially be employed since I was really in school, so I would hang out at a driving school and the owner would throw me odd jobs here and there.
That was for about two hours a day, and the rest of the time was my own. Through the internet, I ended up getting myself a nice, non-jewish Irish girl to spend time with. I didn’t have anyone else in this world at the time, and she was like a breath of fresh air. We never did anything, but it did come close (we video chatted but never met, but I was supposed to fly over to her several times, and somehow managed to control myself and didn’t go) . So we went strong for around six months, staying up all night talking, texting, calling, until a year later when I got a regular job. I didn’t have as much time for her anymore, but we still talked and texted when we could, hardly video chatted, but we managed.
Then I got a second job, which made me a 9-5 stiff. We stopped actually talking altogether, no more video chatting, and still occasionally texted, but even that tapered off. We haven’t communicated in a long while and I intend to keep it that way. But the only reason I would say I stopped was because I had something else to do. Once I stopped talking to her, I was able to get my priorities in order. Learning, davening, etc, and eventually I landed in Our Place as a volunteer. But the only reason any of this happened with me and her is because I had waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on my hands because I wasn’t in Yeshiva, I had my own computer and unfiltered internet, and I was unemployed.
So that should answer both your questions about Yeshiva and the computer. If he doesn’t feel like going, there’s not much you can do about it. But the alternative can’t be staying out all day and hanging out, or lounging around the house doing nothing. IF he doesn’t feel like going to yeshiva then he should have to get a job to keep him busy. Batala mevia lidei shiamum. And the computer is not a good idea. I know that if I didn’t have a computer with unfiltered, unmonitored internet access I never would have gotten involved with that girl.