“As it stands now, he has agreed to finish this year if I give him my computer (without internet) to use when he comes home. Only problem is: his heart is not in the learning, he’s watching secular videos, and I feel completely helpless bc he’s calling all the shots.”
The computer shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion. If he’s miserable in yeshiva, then make that the incentive. He can leave yeshiva, only if he does something else with his day. a GED program, a job, an apprenticeship, college…something. If he really doesn’t want to be in yeshiva, why torture him? The chances of him turning around because he’s being forced into going are minimal. He should need to justify the computer. If he would be in college, he would be able to justify it.
On the other hand, when you say that your son is stuck I completely understand that. It’s why I’m not in college now. True, I work and volunteer, but I never went to college primarily because I’m thoroughly sick of the concept of school. So saying that that should be the other option is easier said than done. Still, it’s worth a shot…I mean why bribe him with something detrimental for something detrimental, when you can have him do something that is constructive, and thereby earn the privilege for what would no longer really be a bribe?
“What percentage of OTD kids come back? Is the parents’ approach to the child while going OTD, connected to which children come back?
Do experts feel certain approaches by parents yield a greater percentage of return?”
Percentages are unknown…but the experts DO feel that it matters how the parents approach the situation. I mean, forget religion entirely and focus on the common sense of it. Assume that you have a completely secular kid in a completely secular family who starts hanging out late with the wrong crowd, and doing poorly in school. Think through all the possibilities of what the parents might do. Or the negative influences on other siblings. It’s really not that different. Religion is just another variable in an already messy equation.
We have parents occasionally walk into or call our place absolutely at wits end because their son just won’t keep shabbos, or won’t come home on time, or smokes, or hangs out with girls etc., and to hear them on the phone they sound like they’re ready to kill their son. “HOW DARE HE NOT LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY, IM HIS PARENT! I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM! AND NOW HE DOESNT EVEN WANT TO KEEP SHABBOS?! HE CAN AND PROBABLY WILL GO TO HELL!!!” And then there’s the “I GAVE HIM EVERYTHING AND THIS IS HOW HE REPAYS ME, BY EMBARRASSING THE FAMILY!!!” Which is a completely invalid thing to say because giving objects and possessions is nothing compared to giving unconditional love, and everyone needs, wants, and appreciates unconditional love.
The problem is that most people don’t quite understand what unconditional love means. It means kind of like what Pirkei avos says ??? ??? ?????? ??????? ?? ???, ?? ??? ??? ???? ??? which I know is an odd way of putting it, but that’s what it is. Unconditional love means that I will love you with no conceivable expectation of reciprocity. If you feel like giving me something in return that’s your business, but I in no way expect it. And that is how a parent must love a child, with no expectation of reciprocity. I can only imagine how hard it is in practice, but even naturally a person feels a strong love toward children that should transcend everything.
So when a parent stops loving a kid because the kid isn’t frum, that means that the parent only loved the child as long as the child did as was told, and stayed frum. That’s an expectation of reciprocity and that makes the love unconditional. If a kid gets arrested in front of the neighbours and the entire community is pointing and whispering, and the parent stopws loving the kid it means that the love was on condition that the kid uphold the family’s good name. A parent’s love should never have any caveats or requirements. It should never be contingent on a specific set of circumstances.
That being said, unconditional love does not preclude chinuch. After all, it is a parent’s job, religious or not, to teach a child right from wrong, but that’s all it is–a job. It is a parental obligation, it is simply something that must be done. But that can never preclude love, even if the child doesn’t follow the path set by the parent.