Write or wrong: I havent nearly read through all the posts here, as there are a ton. However, speaking as a young guy in my early 20’s, who went through many ups and downs regarding religion, I can tell you just from your last post that you totally have the wrong attitude, as does you “community”. Its unbelievable to me how a parent could place so much emphasis on the clothing their child wears and how he will fit into the community. Believe me, your son absolutely realizes that. And when a child gets the feeling that a parent cares more about their outward appearance and how they fit into a community than their personal feelings, then that only pushes them further away. You absolutely sound like a fanatic from your last post, and frankly its no surprise to me that your son is going through what he is. What other restrictions have you and your community placed on him? is he not allowed to go to college? Is he conctantly told that the only way to be a good jew is to sit and and learn all day? And another thing- how was he treated in school by his classmates? When i was young, my entire grade called me a “bum” and told me that I was “going off the derech” What was my crime? wearing bobby pins in my yarmulka in order to KEEP IT ON!!!!!!!!!!! How infuriating it is that people will care more about what someone looks like than to notice the practical application of whatever they are doing. I can tell you right now, my very yeshivish elementary school had an extremely negative effect on me. There may be things that your son has not yet told you. eventually, many people do end up coming back, however YOU must change your entire mindset if you would like it to happen sooner, rather than later. STOP worrying about your sons externals and worry about HIM. See HIM. Care for HIM. Not for your reputation in your community.
Oh and another thing. This comes also from personal experience, as well as my college psychology classes. How do you and your husband get along at home? Do you fight a lot? I’m not expecting you to answer here, and its really none of MY business. However when a child see’s that the only things that come with religion are strife and conflict, they will a) HATE it and b) RUN from it. Please listen to me when I say this. It happened to me and I am letting you know the feelings that went through my mind. My parents did not have a good marriage. every shabbos meal was filled with fighting, sarcastic comments, arguments… I despised staying with them for shabbos. Perhaps without you even realizing it, your son is going through the same thing? Every psychology professor will tell you that probably the WORST thing for a child to see in terms of their healthy development is parental conflict. Again, I’m not implying you and your spouse have problems. I have no idea. but perhaps re-examine how your household is typically run.
P.S. I want to reiterate that I did NOT nearly read every post. If something I said is not applicable, just completely disregard it. I am only trying to help.