Reply To: Going off the Derech

mom12-it would be a great idea to spend some positive time together, but he never seems interested. He doesn’t have a job bc he is trying to finish his last year in Yeshiva. He told me that he is only doing this to ‘make me happy’, since he doesn’t plan to continue next year, and isn’t religious anymore. My husband keeps hoping that something will ‘click’, and he’ll get back on track. But he has no motivation and seems to be only going through the motions. I spoke to him about learning a trade or going to college, but he doesn’t feel he will ‘fit in’, and would probably just spend his days sleeping late, and hanging out with his chevra until late hours. When he comes home from Yeshiva, he uses the computer and doesn’t really want to do anything else. I even have to beg him to eat. It’s his escape.

He tries to stay away from the chevra during the week, but on Shabbos, he’s a different kid and he spends all his time with these street boys. He’s changing right before my eyes, and after every Shabbos, it’s a little bit worse. His language is terrible, and he is very chutzpadik to my husband.

2scents-I do fully love my son, with all my heart. But I do not accept his choice. Does that mean I don’t accept him? I don’t know, I hope not. I accept that he is having difficulties right now, so I don’t hold him to the same standards as my other children. I can’t imagine ever throwing my son out of his house. That’s what I’ve always felt. But the past few days, he’s been so difficult, cursing and exposing my kids to the secular movies he’s watching on the computer, that I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him to keep his language kosher, and the movies to himself. So he said, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do, throw me out?” I said “I don’t know what I’m going to do, and I hope you don’t put me in this position”. He is also fighting a great deal with my husband, and I don’t know for how long I can be the buffer.

Like you mentioned, I do try to make his favorite cakes, have his clothes neatly prepared, and try to give him the message that I love him and am happy to take care of him. I just hope he hears that message.