Although, I still think the situation is a bit extreme.
You also mentioned he steals alcohol and you know he smokes.
Can you please elaborate? -Most yeshiva kids these days almost always are in the mood for a beer.
How about stepping back a moment and giving everyone a CLEAR moment of where the kid is holding? I can’t imagine that none of these great ideas didn’t work?
Does he have access to online? Sometimes a mentor whom he knows has no connection with anyone that he knows is better than having him talk to someone local? Maybe he is afraid to talk to someone from in town?
Just who exactly are his friends? Chevra from another yeshiva- or mamesh street bums? Are they even Jewish?
There are so many outreach programs for Jewish kids who are on drug abuse or alcohol abuse. Also, I liked Z’hava’s idea of sending him to Israel. Especially if thats where he lived most of his life. Perhaps, there he will get better help.
In Israel- there are even more programs to help such teens.
And you don’t have to be in yeshiva. Let him roll it out over time. As i said in the beginning, these things are phases.
It will take maybe a year or two of him acting like he owns the world, but eventually, if there still is time, he will get back to yeshiva, finish and graduate and move on.
If after high school- he can always get his GED and then move on.
Kids don’t stay like this forever. They grow up eventually.
Let time tell. I know it’s hard, but sometimes thats the best you can do. I know many families who have kids who were on drugs, or hanging out with bad friends, and eventually these kids came back, went to a yeshiva in Israel and are doing quite well.
And even got married to a frum girl and is raising a family now.
Sometimes, they become more shtark this way.
I say you should concentrate on making sure your younger son doesn’t follow in his older brother’s footsteps. And even if your son comes home on shabbos in a car with a girl, embrace him and tell him how much you love him, but just keep a eye on him while he is there. Let him know that the house is there open to him, so long he doesn’t do anything drastic. Or steal anything, of course.
Just concentrate on your own family relationship that everyone stays on the same page. And that decisions are made with everyone’s approval. And if it involves the other kids, be open to them. Let them know upfront what you are doing. Don’t hide anything. Explain to them this is the situation, but that he is still accepted by everyone and welcomed home.
Perhaps, if you let yur other kids know they will always have a home to come to, no matter what happens- maybe they will forgo the idea of copying their older brother’s activities.
Thats the best advice I can give. Signing off now. Will check later for a response.