Reply To: Going off the Derech

Hmom-I wish I could give you some good advice, but the truth is, I am completely broken myself. My 16yo quit yeshiva, and stays out all night with a bunch of street kids. The worst part is that he seems determined to fall further. All I can say, is to go to the beginning of this forum when I first started it, and read all the wonderful supportive words that people gave me to help get me through the initial shock of this. Then, realize that the only people our children won’t listen to, is us. In your situation, I would look for someone your daughter looks up to, or has a good relationship with that could form a bond with her right now. Maybe she’ll be able to hear from them what she can’t yet hear from you. Also, Mom12 said to me in one post, “you keep talking, even if you don’t think they’re listening”. You never know, at some point, something might click, (hopefully soon!). I’ve tried to be less authoritative, and more like a friend to my son, bc it just breeds resistance and power struggles. I can’t say it’s worked in the short run, but I’m hoping that in the long run, he’ll be less defiant and ‘think things through’ a bit more. I’ve tried talking sense into my son, but I’m beginning to feel that, unfortunately, things may have to progress (or regress) on their own, before they get better. It’s extremely painful for us as parents to watch our kids do the wrong thing, especially when we know they are hurting themselves, but I don’t think we can stop them from going down the path they choose. They have to decide to stop, or not. If you know people firsthand who had a bad experience doing some of the things your daughter is doing, you could connect the 2 of them ‘matter of factly’ so she can hear things for herself. If you have always had a close relationship with your daughter, you might try to catch her in a good moment to have a heart to heart talk with her about your (loving) concern for her, with tears in your eyes. Nothing preachy, try to understand her point of view, but then just reality-test some of the things she says with good common sense and concern for her well being. Perhaps you’ve done this already.

You asked me how I am coping. Well, if you saw me on Shabbos, you would understand that I am not coping at all. I still think it’s just a bad dream, and I am desperate to wake up! In just a few months, my life has turned completely upside-down. Everyday is gehennom for me. I can’t even smile at my other children, bc I always have tears in my eyes, Hashem help me,..help us all…