WOW, that’s is just exactly the point. No matter how he talks, acts, walks or looks, he is still your son. The same son you conceived, the same son you carried for nine months and labored with, the same son you delivered and believed the sun rose and set on, the same son that was brilliant when he smiled, burped or even pooped. He is the same son that thrilled the masses when he got his first tooth, said his first word or took his first step. He is the same son that made you so proud when he got his first haircut, put on his first pair of tzizis and got his first siddur. He is still the same neshoma that you traveled that road with, but now he is taking you on a different ride. A ride you never expected to be on and one he probably didn’t expect to be on either. He has no idea where he is going, he is driving blindly. You know what to fear but he has no clue. He is as fearless as he has ever been before. He is blinded by pain and he does not know how to handle it. And you are the same mother that loves him with all your heart and soul.
Mommy cannot fix his “booboo” like she did in the past with a kiss and a bandaid. It is not that simple at this point. It is not a visible pain and it is not something that he can explain. It grew too big and is bursting out of his brain and his heart. His neshoma has not changed at all, it is still there and it will still carry him through the crisis, but his heart and mind are not in sync right now with his neshoma. They are exploding with pain and thoughts of who wronged him and why they did. Small hurts and pains when cared for and handled on the spot can be cured and may disappear. Those same hurts and pains when not addressed can grow and escalate till they become huge and unmanageable. He is fighting demons who don’t even have faces at this point and he has know idea how to rid himself of them. He doesn’t want to be in the position he is in, he just doesn’t trust anyone of authority to help him out at this point. He has no frame of reference where there was anyone in his life that he trusted and they came through for him. So it is as if every relationship has to be rebuilt and tested. Every slate has to be wiped clean and started anew, on a different scale one of complete honesty and truth as far as he can see. He needs to learn to trust you all over again and not feel judged.
He feels accepted by the street kids because as long as they do what he wants they don’t care who he is or where he comes from. What he doesn’t get is “as long as he does what they want”. He has to conform to their rules, their style. He doesn’t realize that he is still conforming to someone else’s way and not really being his own person. He is just conforming to another set of rules, not the ones he is used to. If he hung out with them with his “black and white uniform” with his kippah on his head they would make fun of him. So he conforms to their uniform to be cool like them. He dresses like them, acts like them, talks like them and does what they do. Why is that different than conforming to our rules? That is the part they don’t get. They are exchanging one set of rules and guidelines for another. They never realize that they are changing themselves to conform to another group and not even choosing to just be themselves. Go figure.