WOW,
I have been thinking about you and your son a lot. I wish that I had the right words to help or even to offer you chizuk, but I don’t feel qualified or experienced enough to do so. I will mention, however, two ideas that occurred to me:
You mention many times that your son refuses to see a therapist. I would like to suggest that you and your husband go instead. A qualified therapist should not only be able to serve as a source of chizuk to you, but should ideally be able to give you concrete suggestions for how to deal with your son. I know other parents who have done so when their child wouldn’t go to therapy and were abke to really help their child.
The second suggestion I have is to try using some of the communications methodologies of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.” They really work well if you make this communication method fit with you and don’t sound “fake” with it. Also, they discuss giving your child genuine and specific compliments – not “wow your such an amazing kid. You’re awesome,” but things like “You’ve been keeping your room so organized and putting all of your laundry in the hamper…” Any of these types of compliments you can give your son will have a hashpaah on him and on his self image which needs to be rebuilt with genuine and true compliments.
As a child, whenever my mother said things like “Wow youre such an amazing piano player” (I wasn’t that great – ok maybe, not great) I wouldn’t buy it. Even when a teacher told me “You’re an express train headed to becoming a true bas yisroel,” all I could think of was every wrong thing I was doing that contradicted that compliment.
I suspect that like Aries has noted your son is really felling down on himself, and the more he does things he knows contradict the TOrah lifestyle, the worse he feels. Keep the love flowing – it’s definitely making an impact, and I truly think (and hope and pray) that your son will come back – perhaps stronger than before.
You and your family are in my heart and prayers. Keep strong!