Hey write or wrong, I’ve only read the last two pages of posts, but I think I have the general idea of what’s going on.
I’m already married a few years, but I spent a number of years as a teenager and beyond in what seems to be a similar position as your son. I also left yeshivah, and walked down the path your son is describing to you to its logical conclusion. But B’H I eventually found my way to a better conclusion after that. I think that our backgrounds are different as my path took place in America and the culture of the OTD in America is slightly different, but I’m very familiar with the intense anger and abandon that characterizes many Israeli boys who go off.
The best advice that I can give you is to keep the tears private and show your boy a face of trust, love and most importantly- validation. As a teenager, when my parents were trying to be emotional with me as a means of convincing me to “behave”, I turned myself off to the pain that I really did feel deep inside and got angry at them for making me feel that way.
It’s a delicate balance between not being over-bearing but showing love. But provide him with positive reinforcement for all the little things that he does. Show him that you think he’s an “adult” capable of making his own decisions, something that’s very important to a young teenager.
Just to give you an example:
You said that when you ask him if he wants to eat he yells at you for nudging him.
What is likely happening is that he feels guilty because you are showing that you really do love him so much and he knows he isn’t treating you the same way. But his way of dealing with guilt is to get angry at you for making him feel this way.
Instead, try preparing food for him and letting him know that when he’s hungry you have xyz for him to take whenever he wants.
What you are doing this way is:
-giving him the space he thinks he wants
-showing him that you still love him by preparing his foods
-showing him that you respect him as mature enough to make his own decisions, even though its really something trivial
Another idea that might be effective is to tell him that you love him and that the important thing to you is to ensure a strong relationship with him no matter what, and so you’d like to ________ (take a walk around the block, go out to eat at a restaurant, etc,) once a week with him, where you can just talk about neutral topics. The idea is to talk to him as a confidant, a friend that you trust, not a teary-eyed desperate parent (which hopefully you really are). In this way you can rebuild a relationship with him that will hopefully bring him to a place where he can eventually share his thoughts- when he figures out what they are.
At the end of the day, your son will gravitate towards whoever is providing him with the unconditional trust, love and validation that he so desperately craves- for better or worse. Think about how chinuch professionals bring back so many boys- they love their talmidim but treat them as “adults”. Not by crying over the problems but by establishing connections through common ground. The crying they save for their tefillos.
All this is based on my own experience between the ages of about 13-20. All the things I saw that my parents did wrong to push me away and that conversely my Rebbeim later in life did right to bring me back. I am not yet in your stage of life with grown children, and I can’t begin to put myself in your shoes. But I offer the insight of hindsight. Sorry for its length. I wish much hatzlacha for you and your son.