write or wrong:
For me, I came back because after high school I went to a yeshivah in E”Y that I believe provided me with the things I’d craved for so long. Namely, caring and validation in a relaxed framework.
With all the emotional turmoil that has gone on between your son and both his parents, think about the atmosphere that he perceives is there in your house. Maybe he sees it as being very tense and depressing and feels guilty about it because he knows deep inside its his fault, so he tries to avoid that atmosphere as much as possible.
Maybe you can start slow. The next time he is home ask him to sit with you over his favorite cake/cookies or something like that. Tell him that you obviously love him and you know that despite everything going on he really does love you and your family. But with all the turmoil the important thing- a relationship with the son you love has been put under incredible strain. So maybe he would be willing to be home once a week at a certain time to go out with you shopping or eating or whatever where you can just talk about regular things.
I think if you can approach him with this without breaking down but as a friend that you’d like to get to know better, he’ll respond positively. He might not be so consistent every week, but if he does have a cell and you text him a few hours before hand that you’re looking forward/excited to be going to xyz later with him, it might help him in that.
The important thing is to get him to think that you’ve come around to his side. Not because you’re trying to trick him, but because you think the problem has been that you were having trouble seeing him as the adult he is becoming. You believe in him and trust him to find his way and you will support him (not necessarily monetarily where he might take advantage of you, but emotionally), so that he can learn to trust you again.
When you go out, talk to him as though you were talking to your best friend in the whole world. Get excited with him, joke with him again, have fun with him. Reinforce positive feelings as much as you can within the current framework of your relationship so that it can expand. Your son is attracted to no-strings-attached happiness which he is pretending to see by his friends. Show him that its even better by you (without looking like you’re throwing yourself at his feet).
I would suggest you take time out for each of your children individually, to schmooze with them in a relaxed environment. The Tolne Rebbe of Yerushalayim once told me that spending individual time with my children is a very good idea. But it will also prevent your son from thinking you are giving him special treatment that he might feel guilty about.
Another thing is that I wonder what your husband’s reaction to this has been? Does he have difficulty expressing his emotion and lashing out in anger? Is he indifferent? The love of a mother can conquer much, but validity from his idol -your husband- can help tremendously. The question is whether he is capable of providing that.
It’s a hard dance on a thin line of thin ice and my heart is with you on that. But be comforted knowing that the test is indicative of the potential- both in you and in your son. No child can go wrong until the end, with a mother who loves them and is willing to do whatever it takes, like you have done. I am 100% sure that one day he will be giving you hugs and kisses again.