The important thing to understand is to always show him love and NOT anger and aggravation. HE is going through what HE is going through which is separate from what YOU and YOUR husband are going through. HE has HIS pain and YOU and YOUR husband have YOUR pain. Each of you have to learn how to deal with your own individual pain in your own way without hurting each other more in the process. You can only be hurt if you allow yourselves to be hurt. You are in charge of your own happiness and if you pin your happiness on someone else, placing them in control of your happiness then you are setting yourself up for additional pain and sorrow. No one is in control of one’s happiness but themselves and anyone who allows someone else to control their happiness is either consciously or subconsciously handing over the control.
If one understands this then they can control how they react to another person’s “stimulus”. Things happen all around us, every single day, every minute of the day. How we “choose” to respond to any given action is in our own control. If we choose to react positively then we basically take positive control over our portion of the situation. If we choose to react negatively then we are taking a negative control over our portion of the situation. It is up to us which path we “choose” to take and where WE choose to take it.
For instance, if you see milk spilled all over the kitchen floor you can start yelling at the top of your lungs “WHO spilled the milk all over the kitchen floor?” but the milk will still be on the floor and you will only cause everyone to hide and take cover. However, if you choose to ask “who is going to do the mitzvah of helping me clean up all this milk that is spilled all over the kitchen floor?” the culprit might come out and help you and learn something from the experience.
By the same token if you react to your son in anger or pain when he comes home and starts yelling at you, you are “choosing” a negative response and it will only lead to another negative reaction from the both of you. Where will that lead you? Only more negative feelings will sprout from these actions. However, if you don’t allow the negative response to lead you……for instance…”Welcome home, there is some food in the kitchen if you are interested, please help yourself.” If he responds negatively you can just say “I see you are tired, not a problem” or “Whatever you choose” and leave it at that. If you get into an argument or respond with a smart remark, you will only have charatah and second guess yourself.
You can’t have charatah for showing love. There is never anything wrong with showing love. As for feeling that you didn’t show enough love, stop revisiting old stories and reliving the past. There is nothing you can do about what happened yesterday, why worry and keep concerning yourself about what happened five years ago. It is over and there is nothing to do about it. But there is something you can do about today and every minute from this point forward. Put a smile on your face and leave it there. Put your armor on and leave it there. Shield yourself from the remarks and the comments and remind yourself that it is NOT your son nor his neshoma that is saying these things. It is coming from his yetzer horah and his pain. The more you react to it, the more it will fuel the yetzer horah, the more you ignore and show the yetzer horah he can’t win with you, the faster it will stop!
The most important thing right now is to keep him safe and healthy. And for you both to remember that HE is your SON, your flesh and blood, no matter what. No matter if he is frum or not. No matter if he is Shomer Shabbos or not. He is still YOUR son, a gift from Hashem. That is what is important. YOU might not be his sheliach to bring him back to Yiddishkeit. It might NOT be your mitzva or not your zchus. Hashem might have picked someone else to have that mitzvah and have that zchus. We don’t know but what we DO know is that YOU ARE his parents. That is a given. That is a truth. That is the JOB Hashem did give you and that is the gift that he gave you, the gift of caring for and having the privilege of raising and loving this child. He did NOT come with warranties nor guarantees. Hashem blessed you with this neshoma and gave you the task to watch over him.
You had hopes and dreams for him. That is normal. In your dreams he follows a path, your path. HE chooses to go down a different path. He was given bechirah just like you and me. He has to make choices for himself. Of course it is our hopes and dreams that our children follow in our path. On the other hand, it is the choice of all the secular Jews that their children follow down their paths. They are just as heartbroken as WE are when their children do NOT follow in their paths and do not adhere to the very lessons that they themselves taught them. This is very normal. WE look upon them like they are poor souls, how dare they judge their children for making this choice? Well look at us, how dare we judge our children for making this choice???? Are we suffering their pain? Are we carrying their burden? Where is our true bitachon and emunah? Do we NOT understand this nisayon? Their nisayon? OUR nisayon?
Their job is to walk down their own path and to live through their own nisyonos so that they learn who they are, where they belong and why they belong there. Our job is to live through OUR nisyonos, learn who we are, where we belong and why we belong there. Hopefully we will all wind up in the same place. Hopefully, with our emunah and bitachon in Hashem, with our own avodah, tefillah, tzedaka, and hishtadlus we will succeed in our own nisayon and OUR prayers will be answered. Hopefully WE will understand this gift that Hashem gave us and appreciate it no matter what so that we love it so fiercely and with so much power that the love we have will become a shield that will guard them from harm and help them through their cold dark journey to the other side so they able to come out in the warmth and light of Hashem’s Torah and Mitzvos.