EH and DUNO – I might be wrong but it seems pretty clear from your comments that you do not live her in E”Y. B”H I am not in WOW’s situation (and hopefully, WOW, at some point,G-d willing sooner rather than later, you will no longer be in your situation either.) But I’m pretty sure that if I had an at-risk or OTD kid, I’d be out of here as fast as I could book a ticket. As it is, I agonize on an almost daily basis, and struggle with wanting to take my children back to a place where many aspects of life in general, chareidi life in particular, and chinuch for sure is much more wholesome. Now I can see many itchy fingers hovering above their keyboards ready to jump on me telling me how terribly wrong I am for any/all reasons ranging from what a zchus it is to live in E”Y to the fact that at risk/OTD is rampant there as well (I know, Imaofthree, I know). Still, I’ve lived in both places, taught in both places, had kids in school in both places, watched from pretty up-close at-risk/OTD in both places and it’s a different world. The only reason I’m staying is because there’s a degree of gamble (mazal?)wherever you are and if I went back and my kids ended up not doing well I would never forgive myself. So as long as they’re doing OK I’m scared to take the chance. When ARIES says “I believe that your Husband needs to take another look at this situation and must actually stop it immediately. He needs to confront this RAV and let him know that Hashem does NOT discriminate and no one knows who he will test next with which nisayon.” it is also obvious in which hemisphere she lives. Not b/c people in America love their kids more than people here or b/c people in America are more proactive about advocating for their children but b/c you can’t apply rules from one system to another. Rules that we assume are universal (“always advocate for your child by doing XYZ” “You should definitely have gone to the police and filed against the lowlife who attacked your son so your son will know that you are always there for him”) are not always universal and MAY HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT and hurt our children rather than help them.
I know a woman who went for shalom bayis advice to a Rav from a different eidah than the one to which she belonged. His advice got her killed by her husband. The rav was a tzaddik and a “pike’ach” – but the advice he gave was formulated within a different framework than the one in which she was living.
I know it’s hard to believe but I did not come here to rant (and this is one of the reasons that I am a daily Coffee Room lurker since its inception and feel part of the chevra but I NEVER comment.) I really came just to say to you, WOW, that I’ve been following this thread from the beginning (I did post here once b/4); You are often on my mind and in my thoughts – very often; it’s inevitable that with all the sharing you’ve done we’ve all gotten to know a bit of what you’re like as a person…. and I think you’re truly, truly amazing; If you’ve decided to stay where you are I’m sure it’s b/c you’ve weighed the possibilities and this is what serves the greatest good for the most people in your family; I wish I could give you a hug, tuck you into bed and have you wake up a short time later with the whole thing being just a vague memory of a distant nightmare. Instead I will just reiterate what everyone’s been telling you all along – you didn’t make this happen (!!!!), there is no right/good way to “deal with” or “solve” the “situation” but you are doing as close to perfectly as possible. You are displaying superhuman qualities in terms of your devotion, resilience, and fortitude. If all parents were like you the world would be a much better place.
What happened to your next son will, in one form or another, keep happening. Most heads of institutions here truly are not as concerned about the success of the children as they are about their success and the success of their institution. They do not view themselves as public servants – the students are there to serve their purpose. (I honestly say this without the slightest degree of bitterness. It is a fact that, once understood, saves you a lot of frustration and anger.) Any institution head whose primary interest is the welfare of the children in his institution, will be/is running a second rate “mossad” because the upper strata the society here don’t WANT their kids in a place that is not elitist. My humble opinion, if I may – help your other children (especially this next one now)understand this in as benign and not-bitter way as possible. You will do much more for your family by talking to them about what is, what it means for them, how to be true to themselves and to your family and how to be successful people even when some of the cards are stacked against them than by trying to change the system and trying to be “mekarev” some rosh hayeshiva by teaching him the difference between emes and sheker.
Sorry for being so longwinded.