Reply To: Going off the Derech

aries2756-thanks for taking the time to write all your sage advice. I do have a few comments, however.

“At the very worst scenario he may never come back, again “. Unfortunately, I don’t see this as the worst case scenario. It would be a bad scenario if he never came back again, but I’m pretty worried about the scenario of getting into drugs or serious depression (he may already be there, and if not, he’s pretty close).

“Where is the pain coming from?”. My pain is coming from watching my son give up on himself, and think so little of himself when I know how great he is! He is the baby eagle that fell into a den of ducklings. He may quack like a duck, and waddle like a duck, but my baby eagle can fly! Of course it has to do with his suffering, what do I care about me anymore? He told me that he’s stupid, ugly and boring. If it wasn’t so pitiful, I’d actually laugh at the absurdity of it. The most painful thing is, and I can’t shake it, is that I CAN’T HELP HIM. Not just specifically ‘me’, but I can’t even get him help from anyone else bc he won’t accept it (and that’s if I could even find someone professional, with the experience to help him). And yet, believe it or not, when I asked my son today if there’s anyone in this world that he trusts, he said yes…..me! But I challenged him, and told him that if that were true, why doesn’t he accept what I say? Why doesn’t he believe how great he is? And he said bc he doesn’t feel it. So I practically begged him to let me help him with this. I begged him to go talk to someone about this, but he just said that no one can help him. Yes, my family and I are suffering, but it has nothing to do with the neighbors! I don’t even notice they exist. My world is a blurr, somewhere in the background Pesach is looming, and my kids are calling me and asking me questions I don’t hear. I know I have to pick myself up, or I may end up drowning with my son. I have people to talk to, but I still have to face my pain alone. As much as I have to force myself to function in the ‘real’ world, I can’t help but relate to Lot’s wife, who turned around to look back to see if her child was behind her…