A mamin, we all have to realize that a child who is OTD, especially a child that we know has been hurt and that is why he is OTD, is NOT a rebellious child. He is a child who is in pain and has a a neshoma that is ill. Just like a child that has any other illness. Would you be angry at a child that had diabetes or tourettes or any other disease or illness? How does being angry help him or you?
Will it heal him? Will it turn the situation around? Will it stop your pain or help your other children? How is being angry productive?
Obviously anger is NOT an option, so how else can you channel your emotions? Well you can definitely think about it. “My child is in pain, real pain. I might not understand his pain, and I might not understand why he is doing what he is doing, but it is coming from a place of pain and maybe even anger. Is there something I can do to change that? Is it something in MY control? Well then what IS in MY control? Can I control HIS feelings or HIS actions? NO! But I can control my own feelings and my own actions. So what are they? What are my feelings?
Am I am angry at my son or am I angry at his actions? OK, let me think about that and try to separate the two. If I am angry at my son, then I have to know why I am angry at him for being hurt and being in pain. Does he have the right to feel pain and to be hurt? Is he entitled to his feelings? Is he human? Did Hashem give him the ability to feel pain and be hurt? Is he acting within the confines of human emotion? Even though I would like to stop his pain or shield him from ever having pain is that possible? Is that in my control? NO! Could I have shielded him from the experience that happened to him, was that in my control? NO! Can I control his feelings, emotions or the reaction he is having to his experience? NO! Is it my job to control that? NO! Is he feeling emotions that Hashem has allowed him to feel? Yes. Am I greater than Hashem that I can stop him from feeling emotions that Hashem has allowed him to feel? NO! Should I be angry at him for feeling emotions that Hashem has allowed him to feel? NO! So should I be angry at my son? NO!
Am I angry at my son’s actions? Do I like what he is doing? NO! Do I approve of what he is doing? NO! Am I hurt by what he is doing? Yes! Is he doing this purposely to hurt ME? NO! Is any of this about me? NO! Am I in control of my son’s actions? NO! Am I responsible for my son’s actions? NO! Do I love him any different because of his actions? NO! Does my heart break for him? Yes! Is he still my son no matter what? Yes! Do I love him no matter what? Yes! Is there anything that I can do to stop him from going through this nisayon? NO! Is there something I can do from stopping myself from going through this nisayon? NO! Is there something I can do to help me go through this nisayon? Yes! You can do what you do when you are faced with any other nisayon, challenge or illness. You daven, you have compassion and you search for your inner strength to keep going. A mother’s tears have so much meaning and carry so much tefillah with them. A mother’s love has no boundaries and can heal unimaginable and unbearable wounds. But like with all illnesses and all wounds, healing takes time. And each illness and each nisayon has its own timeframe. Some heal faster than others and some illnesses and nisyonos has a much longer time frame.
So A Mammin, no one said it is easy, which nisayon is? But Hashem will help us through each nisayon he gives us. But we need to understand what the challenge is and we need to understand the path we each have to take in order to overcome the challenge. Those who don’t get it, will not succeed. Those who turn their backs on their children do not master the challenge. Does Hashem turn his backs on HIS children? Does he slap us around as one poster had mentioned earlier about some peoples response to the OTD issue? Or does he show us rachmonus upon rachmonus and give us chance after chance to do teshuva? Does he throw illness upon us and just let us die, or does he send us shelichim and refuos to make us well? OTD is NOT a death sentence, and nothing that a child does in the parsha is a death sentence nor is it a door closing on teshuva. There is always hope for return. However, if parents, family or friends slam doors in the process, push them further away with more criticism, more anger and more animosity do you think they will be running back to their unloving less than compassionate and critical arms?
Why do we Frum Yidden have such little faith, emunah and bitachon in our own wonderful religion that we are so sure that our children will turn their backs on us and find happiness outside of our heiligeh Yiddishkeit? Why is it that we have so little faith in our own beautiful way of life that we are so sure that if we let go even a little they will wander off so far they will not return. Why should WE be so confident that they won’t find their answers out there and that they will see the shmutz and hypocrisy that we tried to shield them from and that the only truth they will ever find is in the Torah. Where is our true emunah and bitachon? We should not be so afraid of letting go, we should be more sure of ourselves. What is out there in the goyish world that is better than the world Hashem gave us? Why are there more Baalei Teshuva today than at any other time ever? Why are those unaffiliated finding their peace and happiness back in the arms of the Torah and Yiddishkeit. What answers have they found that we are so afraid our own children will not recognize?
When our kids are little and threaten to run away from home, we are not scared because we know they won’t go past the front door. They will be too afraid as soon as they get past it. So let us find our confidence again, love our children unconditionally, and teach them that Yiddishkeit is something to be proud of, and to be joyful about. That there is nothing better out there. If they go out and look, they will be happy to come home. If they start tugging at that rope in such a situation as WOW is in, we have to learn to give them slack so they test the dirty waters out there. If we tug at the rope they only tug harder. If we slacken the rope they can wander off a bit and get scared enough to come home.