Reply To: Going off the Derech

aries2756-I don’t agree with everything you wrote. First of all, I don’t ‘pity’ my son like you said, I do have compassion for his struggle and his pain. He is not controling me like you think. I’ve tried all the normal routes of giving him the message that I value him, appreciate him and respect him. He is not hearing those messages! If all the normal, typical ways don’t work, then I have to try something else. This is one of the reasons I contacted Avi. I agree completely with the way Avi sees these kids. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree with the way Avi thinks we should deal with my son. And Avi’s approach is a bit extreme (or ‘twisted’, as he calls it), even if you do agree with his hashgafa.

I do know why my son is angry. He is angry at all the people who mistreated him…some more severely than others. And it just so happens, that they are all Haredim. So now, he made the incorrect conclusion that if ‘the sun gives me a burn, and the sun is yellow, then anything yellow gives me a burn’. My son now hates the Haredim and wants to be secular. As bad as I feel about his chevra pulling him in, he could only end up there if he wanted to be there. They didn’t force him to grow his hair long and break Shabbos. Some of them are shomer Shabbos, and most have short hair. Some even wear a kipa. Maybe in the very beginning, they did influence him to change his clothes, bc the ‘black and white’ was probably making them feel uncomfortable. But that was his window of opportunity to leave the Haredi world entirely.

I see him as very fragile right now. He doesn’t know where he belongs, and he’s trying on different ‘hats’, looking to see which one fits, which one feels good. He doesn’t spend enough time at home for me to help build his self esteem. There are no long conversations like in the past. Now the conversations consist of me asking some questions, with him barely answering any of them. He doesn’t initiate conversation, and lives inside his music. I have to create opportunities to ‘give’ to him, and some of them he rejects. I hate buying him cigarettes! But I don’t see him all week long, then he comes home and doesn’t come to the Shabbos table, doesn’t eat what I cook, and goes back to school. Where’s our connection? If I talk too much, he tunes me out. So I buy him cigarettes once in a while to show him that even though I don’t think it’s good for him, I care about what he thinks he needs. The bottom line is that he really needs an outside person to help him organize his thoughts and vent his pain, in order to let go of the hurt and make rational, healthy decisions for himself…

a mamin-forgot to thank you for your nice words and your blessings!