“Lilmod: please define “can’t”,
For the past several years, I have found it exceedingly difficult (or impossible) to find time for dating. I am not a multi-tasker, and since my financial situation is complicated and unlike most single girls I have basically had to be self-supporting from a relatively young age, all my time and energy has had to go into trying to make ends meet. Most of the time, all of my time and energy is not even enough for that so I certainly have none left for dating.
In case you haven’t noticed, I am a focused intense type of person – the type who puts her all into everything she does, and NOT the type who multi-tasks. Therefore, dating for me is something that takes a lot of time and energy, and I can’t do both (dating and supporting myself). I have a friend who has the opposite personality of me – she is a multitasker and not intense. She goes out a lot because she has no problem fitting in dating and working and doing chesed and having a social life. I can not do that! And the truth is that I’m not sure that her way is the best way. I think it’s possible that part of the reason she is not married yet MAY be because she is not focused enough on each date. In any event, I am not like that and can’t be like that, so it’s irrelevant which way is better.
I actually moved back home recently, partially because I was hoping it would make it easier for me to date. Since rent is the big headache when it comes to finances, not having to worry about rent makes a tremendous difference. However, I still have a lot of responsibilities.
Additionally, there have been a lot of things happenning in my family since I moved home, so my time and energy had to go into helping my family. I am hoping that after Yomtov, things will be a bit easier. However, not only have I not lived at home for many years, I have not even been living in the same COUNTRY as my family so it is a big adjustment, and I am concerned that trying to deal with living with my family will be consuming most of my energy. Plus, I still have a lot of responsibilites from work that was not completed when I was living on my own, plus a new job I am starting in addition to my regular job, etc.
Additionally, the fact that I haven’t gone out in a while means that starting to do so again will be very stressful and require a tremendous amount of energy and since I am already dealing with so much stress (living with my family and taking care of all my other jobs and responsibilites), I am concerned that I will not be able to do it.
The last time that I was supposed to go out, I had to cancel the date twice in a row because I got sick. The second time I cancelled, the guy was already on the bus. I really tried hard not to cancel even though the room was spinning, but I had no choice because every time I tried to stand up, I kept throwing up and couldn’t stop, so it was kind of dangerous. It turned out I had some kind of ear virus, and I was worried that it was psychological because I was stressed out about taking away time that I would normally have been working in order to go out. My friend claims that you can’t bring an ear virus on yourself, but I don’t believe that.
In any case, it was extremely mortifying and I felt really bad about it, and I am really nervous about having to cancel a date again because I think it is a really bad thing to do!! And I have found that things like this happen a lot to me, and I don’t want it to happen again!!! It is both mortifying and rude!
Single events are easier, because it doesn’t matter if you cancel or are late, so there is much less pressure. Also, it is a one-time thing, whereas with a date, you usually feel like you have to go out a second time. I like Joseph’s suggestion to Sparkly of an arranged marriage, but I have no one whom I trust to arrange a marriage for me, and that is really not happenning!!
I think the Shabbos meal idea is an excellent idea, but my friends and acquaintances don’t do those things. I have however started an unofficial campaign to try to convince people to do so. I think that type of thing would work much better for me.
Basically, what I would want is a way of meeting guys that is fun and non-stressful. It is much easier to find time for things that are funa and not stressful.