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I. M. Shluffin

Any hat he wears has to be pantone black 6C, including baseball, beret, borsalino, chullo, coonksin, deerstalker, dunce, fedora, fascinator, fez, hard, pith, sombrero, sun, top, toque, trucker, and turban.

Doesn’t dream in color.

Doesn’t have the taivah for beer cholent.

Can hold three babies and a gemorah all at once, without dropping the gemorah.

Deep fries radios and other shtus regularly.

Will write in Mashiach ben Dovid on his absentee ballot.