Researching potential shidduchim?

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  • #596793

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    What are good questions to ask when researching a potential shidduch date?

    #1200351

    happiest
    Member

    Ask if they have any medical conditions or if they are on meds for a/t.

    #1200352

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    What size dress does she wear?

    Do they use plastic tablecloths on shabbos?

    Do they use real china even when there are no guests?

    Are the grandparents buried next to each other or in different rows?

    #1200353

    At home bubbie
    Participant

    Does the person have good MIDDOS! if not, nothing else matters. Is the person kind and considerate? Is the home stable or dysfunctional? There are great kids from dysfunctional homes- i know- one married my son, but you should be aware of any issues!

    #1200354

    yogibooboo
    Member

    how are his middos? How was he as a roommate in Yeshiva? Is he a considerate bachur? Does he help out at shabbos meals? How is he with kids? for a girl the exact same thing. except if she didnt go to seminary, then you dont ask that question but you can ask, if she is involved in any sort of chessed projects. does/did she help take care of little sibling if applicable.

    Please do NOT ask what size clothing her mother wears or if they use plastic table clothes on shabbos! or if they are stackers and if they use real dishes etc etc.

    #1200355

    Are the family members stackers or scrapers?

    Would they bring the ketchup bottle to the table or if they put it into a gravy dish?

    What playgroup did the boy/girl’s parents attend?

    #1200356

    mewho
    Participant

    popa are you serious?

    the part about where the grandparents are buried.

    you cant be serious?

    are you serious?

    cant be.

    at home bubbie, your first sentence is right on!!

    newwest question to be asked…did you see the original picture with hillary in it or did you only look at the photoshopped one.

    #1200357

    always here
    Participant

    does he smoke?

    #1200358

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    maybe ask if the boy or girl was ever married or engaged. People will not offer this information without being asked about it.

    #1200359

    kapusta
    Participant

    Middos are number one. Is s/he a happy person? Any medical issues in the family? Is s/he a calm person? Does s/he have a rav/mentor (is this person willing to listen to someone elses opinion)? Does s/he have good relationships within his/her family?

    Do they buy regular or super gas?

    Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

    *kapusta*

    #1200360

    Agreer
    Participant

    very important: how does the boy intend to support his family. If he has no clear direction, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

    #1200361

    cshapiro
    Member

    how much is in then bank? and does he play football?

    well all jokes aside, middos are def important, but its also important to ask for examples, because everyone tends to exagerate or stretch the truth, but if they give an example of the middah thats proof rite there.

    #1200362

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    popa are you serious?

    the part about where the grandparents are buried.

    Is that the one you thought was the craziest?

    #1200363

    HIE
    Participant

    kapusta, I hav’ent seen you post in such a long time.

    WELCOME BACK

    #1200364

    hanib
    Participant

    what others asked are all general questions. also, need specific questions based on your own child. what is your kid like? what kind of personality do you and your son/daughter thinks s/he needs and ask questions concerning that? what is your son’s/daughter’s hashkafa and plans for life? are their visions compatible? etc.

    #1200365

    kapusta
    Participant

    kapusta, I haven’t seen you post in such a long time.

    WELCOME BACK

    I’ve been around here lately… But thanks for the welcome back, still appreciated.

    *kapusta*

    #1200366

    kj
    Member

    At what age was she potty trained. Is she a suit or sweater person. Did she go to camp? if not, why?

    #1200367

    bpt
    Participant

    Regardless of the questions or the answers, be sure to talk to the goyta.

    She will know the TRUTH about what goes on in the house.

    #1200368

    mewho
    Participant

    here are some really important questions:

    does he/she know how to use the microwave so they can heat and serve?

    does he/she wipe the bathroom sink after using it?

    does he/she drive so they can shop on their own if necessary?

    does he/she feel that sharing housework is ok?

    for men—does he put the seat down?

    for women–does she put on makeup in private?

    #1200369

    RedNails19
    Participant

    poppa/bpt- and all u other posters- good ones!!

    How about

    are all his/her teeth real?

    It that her real hair/eye color?

    does he/she sleep with socks/tights.or chailia booby socks under his/her pajamas/nightgown?

    his.her swimming attire?

    Does he/she swim?

    u can ask a lotta dumb questions if you really want….but thqe question we all have to be asking ourselves is, is this what were getting married for? Stcking dishes? How much money he has in the bank? What gas he uses…

    Middot, Derech eretz, kavod habriot, consistancy, loyalty, trustworthy, sensative…thats what counts- and u all know it!!:)

    #1200370

    always here
    Participant

    lev tov, ayin tov

    #1200371

    yossi z.
    Member

    One question I am surprised not to have seen on any of these like threads is do the parents have shalom bayis. It can have a major effect on how the child grows up …

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #1200372

    kapusta
    Participant

    One more thing. Whenever its possible try to find your own references. The ones given will not always give you the truth (for positive and negative).

    (If you are looking into someone from a different place, call someone who can connect you with other people, even someone you don’t know, and just ask for the name of a rav in the area, or someone who would know people in the community. You don’t need to get into names, but usually when people hear its for a shidduch they will try to be helpful.)

    *kapusta*

    #1200373

    mewho
    Participant

    yossi z has an excellent point.

    #1200374

    Shrek
    Member

    FIRST make sure the girl doesn’t have the same name as the boy’s mother.

    THEN make sure the boy doesn’t have the same name as the girl’s father.

    THEN you can ask about the use of plastic/china, etc.

    #1200375

    Pac-Man
    Member

    Shrek: You have some hangup about the name being a legitimate issue of concern?

    #1200376

    Shrek
    Member

    I have no hangups whatsoever.

    #1200377

    good.jew
    Member

    When they clean up the table, do they scrape the plates?

    #1200378

    Shrek
    Member

    what has this world come to?

    Someone called me recently for shidduch info about a boy & wanted to know if he wears a black hat. I said that he does not. Not even on Shabbos? No, not even on Shabbos. Well, would he be willing to put on a hat for a date?

    Huh?

    #1200380

    apushatayid
    Participant

    “What are good questions to ask when researching a potential shidduch date?”

    Dont bother. Just hire the Pinkertons and let them compile a report. It is what most people do these days anyway. I know someone who was “researching” a family and compiled more info than the CIA has on many terrorists.

    #1200381

    dunno
    Member

    what has this world come to?

    Someone called me recently for shidduch info about a boy & wanted to know if he wears a black hat. I said that he does not. Not even on Shabbos? No, not even on Shabbos. Well, would he be willing to put on a hat for a date?

    Huh?

    Wow. Just wow.

    #1200383

    Shrek
    Member

    someone should open a business doing shidduch investigations!

    #1200384

    tomim tihye
    Member

    They’ll have more lawsuits than it’s worth.

    #1200385

    bpt
    Participant

    This just in:

    When grilling the potential candidate, forget about the cholov stam vs. cholov yisroel yardstick. Wanna go for pure 24k gold?

    Ask if they are makpid on Shmeel’s milk. Ijust spotted the ad in Torah times. ($7.50, 1/2 gal)

    And what do you get for $7.50 (that you don’t get from chovlov yisroel’s already premium price)?

    Milk from grass fed cows (ho hum)

    Free ranging cows (again, ho hum)

    Mashgichim who daven with minyan 3x/day and go to mikvah each morning (now, THATS worth a premium!)

    So to all those uber-yeshivish, super-duper chassidish folks out there, are you REALLY doing all you can do?

    For $7.50, you can get one step closer!

    The rules have changed!

    #1200387

    TheGoq
    Participant

    very moooving bpt, that brand sounds like the cream of the crop, im not trying to butter you up, theres a lot at steak here,

    do the cows go in the mikvah too?

    #1200388

    bpt
    Participant

    I can only vouch for the male cows!

    #1200389

    Shrek
    Member

    sorry, he doesn’t wear a black hat and doesn’t drink Shmeel’s milk…how will he ever get married?

    #1200390

    bpt
    Participant

    Not to worry; we can always set him up with a girl from one of the “B” sems, who “just” drink cholov y.

    And IMHO, if he needs to choose one or the other, Shmeel’s milk is def the way to go. (after all, there are dozens of black hatters in BMG, but how many of them are makpid on Shmeel’s?)

    Talk about niche marketing!

    #1200391

    bpt
    Participant

    Oh, and GOQ.. great puns, but this is nothing to joke about. I mean, we’re talkin’ frummer-than-frum on a totally new level!

    #1200392

    1day
    Participant

    you really want to know how to check out a potential shidduch?? get a nose clip and some gloves and look thru their garbage…

    #1200393

    adorable
    Participant

    yossi- great post. I think you are one of the only ones who took this post seriously…LOL

    I heard that someone asked about a guy if his GPS in his car is set to a girl or a boy talking…. I mean that is a new level….I think it goes with the Shmeels milk

    #1200394

    s2021
    Member

    What does the person do during free time/vacation?

    Whats his relationship like with his mother? (watch for body language)

    Does he make fun of people?

    #1200395

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    The three most important questions are:

    1) Middos

    2) Middos

    3) Middos

    After that, you can start asking whether he is makpid on milk from cows that go to the mikvah (good line, Goq).

    BTW, I’d be worried about a mashgiach who davens with a minyan 3x a day; that’s when they’ll slip in the pigs’ milk! ?

    #1200396

    adorable
    Participant

    ask how many times a week he showers and if he ever wears his clothing two days in a row?

    #1200397

    shlishi
    Member

    adorable: Any real man wears his clothes two days in a row. So I am assuming you want to make sure he does too.

    #1200399

    Trust 789
    Member

    Everyone always says Middos is the most important. But one can’t just ask “does he have good middos?” Almost everyone will answer yes. What questions can one ask to really ascertain that he has good middos?

    #1200400

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    bump

    #1200401

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Giving tzedakah with a smile and blessing.

    Helping an old lady cross the street while keeping shomer negiah.

    #1200402

    I. M. Shluffin
    Participant

    Any hat he wears has to be pantone black 6C, including baseball, beret, borsalino, chullo, coonksin, deerstalker, dunce, fedora, fascinator, fez, hard, pith, sombrero, sun, top, toque, trucker, and turban.

    Doesn’t dream in color.

    Doesn’t have the taivah for beer cholent.

    Can hold three babies and a gemorah all at once, without dropping the gemorah.

    Deep fries radios and other shtus regularly.

    Will write in Mashiach ben Dovid on his absentee ballot.

    #1200403

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    lightbrite – while those things are very nice, they don’t really illustrate the qualities that I would want to know about. Doing good deeds and being a nice person are not the same thing.

    I once asked a guy’s reference if he was sensitive. The reference responded, “sure, he does lots of chesed.” So I had to explain to him that doing chesed does not necessarily make someone a sensitive person. Being sensitive is about the way you relate to and talk to others. There can be people who go around doing lots of chesed, but are not nice people in terms of how they speak to others.

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