WinnieThePooh: Thank you for all of your answers 🙂
“As far as the last siddur issue, someone will get the last siddur, why shouldn’t it be you, especially if not having it means you will not be able to daven.” (WTP)
Why not me? Guilt.
Reasons why I may feel guilty are situations where:
-I’m younger.
-The other person has been going to the shul longer.
-I’m faster than the other person walking.
-I don’t come so often, so who am I to claim territory?
If I have a siddur and someone else doesn’t, I feel selfish and on alert until that person has a siddur and can daven too.
Baruch Hashem, honestly I cannot think of a specific time and place this has happened. Yet I know this has happened.
I feel weird about seats too. I don’t want to take up someone else’s space.
Maybe it’s insecurity. I feel like this is someone else’s shul and who am I to just show up randomly and occupy space. Hmm… Thank you. It could also be where I’ve gone and whether I felt like I belonged and was welcome in that community. I could probably have the same siddur experience someplace else, but feel differently if it’s a different energy. Obviously, I bring my own energies and insecurities.
Likely, feeling like “Who am I to take this siddur? Who am I to pray here?…” could be my guilt for driving to shul. Right away I feel like I don’t belong there, or Hashem is disappointed in me. So little things, to me, may be interpreted as a sign that, “Okay see, this is someone else’s seat or someone else needs this siddur, so clearly I should just go home.”
Thank you for making me think about this.