ema2five, yes it is sad and unfair that the boys call the shots.
But this is reality. Picture a good learning boy with say 40 shidduch resumes in front of him. They are all just a bunch of names, all quality girls. i How is he (or his mother) to decide whom to date? Practically it is easier for him to date locally and those from similar backgrounds who he will feel more comfortable with, so those will get pushed to the top of the list. It’s not necessarily coming from a lack of derech eretz, but more from the overwhelming number of choices there are for the bochur. This makes it very hard for the OOTers and those from different backgrounds, unless there is a personal connection- say a close relative who really knows both sides recommends it, i.e. protektzia.