“he can’t demand that she [secular Jewish wife] become a BT overnight or else? What about kashrut and taharat hamispacha?”
He can demand, but in the real world he may not get very far. BTs often become observant gradually. This is normal. Halachically it would be ideal if he and his wife would become observant overnight, but that’s generally impossible. Kiruv rabbis are generally sensitive to this reality and will not put too much pressure on him to become frum overnight or demand she do so, and let him become observant in his own pace. What the BT does and how he does it is his business. It is often better to be a bit slow and messy and eventually become a full-fledged BT with his wife and married and kids intact and happy, than to demand immediate changes and end up miserable, divorced, full of regrets and with messed-up kids and an even more anti-religious ex-wife. Of course, it would be ideal if the wife immediately agrees to do the minimum to ensure he will not be committing aveiros, and he should try his best — sometimes that works. But if that is not possible, then it’s not possible. We don’t counsel people to do aveiros, but at the same time kiruv workers have realized that too much speed or pressure can be counterproductive. Rav Arush’s discussion of this issues notes that there is typically a way for the man to avoid sinning even if his wife is not yet committed to full observance.
In practice, people usually don’t decide overnight they want to be BTs. They slowly become more observant and knowledgeable, still unsure of what they believe and what their future will be, until they finally realize they believe in this 100% and are going to go all the way. The wife can be a partner in that process.
“ubiq, yytz is suggesting it is okay for him to remain with her.”
Not that it’s “OK,” but often a new wannabe BT might decide to give her some time to decide if she wants to convert, and a kiruv rabbi generally won’t try to talk him out of it (or try to convince him to leave if he hasn’t decided.) Sometimes after meeting some frum Jews, reading some kiruv-oriented books and so on they commit to Yiddishkeit and convert l’shem shamayim. It’s also worth taking some time to do genealogical research to make sure she’s not Jewish — sometimes she actually is and never knew it.
“Absolutely incorrect. When asked we most certainly do tell him to leave. If a new BT asked if he should quit his Shabbos job will you suggest not advising him to stop working on Shabbos since “that’s up to the individual”? Completely absurd. Especially if he asks!”
We don’t demand they leave–who are we, Pharaoh? We’ll tell them the truth, yes, it’s a sin. If it’s a rotten relationship, he wants to leave her anyway, and they have no kids, then why not leave? But if he loves her and she is open to learning about Yiddishkeit and exploring conversion as he becomes more observant, then he can decide, why not give her some time? If it works, it works. If not, not. This is how the real world works, and there have been successful, valid conversions along these lines. Sometimes it is the non-Jew starting the process of becoming observant together, and sometimes it is the Jew, and sometimes it is both of them equally.
“Chareidi butei dinim absolutely do not convert intermarried spouses.”
Yes they do, at least here in North America.
Please try to keep your posts shorter. Thank you.