It is no longer revolutionary to make the observation that today’s marriages face greater challenges and risk. It is also no chiddush that preparation for marriage is a factor in this. Reflecting back on the past few decades, I can notice distinct efforts to make things better. Yet, that improvement might not be keeping pace with the population growth together with cultural factors that impinge on the life of a young couple.
Many homes today lack the parental role models for marriage. This includes shalom bayis issues, single parents, problems involving extended families, having siblings with health conditions that drain parents’ time and energy, or even parents whose time and energies are swallowed by work (and klal work is included).
Behaviors common to yeshiva environments and girls schools/seminaries are, in many cases, not adaptable to marriage. Even the chinuch and guidance offered with regards to interpersonal midos is often incompatible with what is needed for a marital relationship. It is easy to understand why some material is not appropriate fr the academic settings. As the Steipler Gaon ZT”L once noted, it is a huge change for a yungerman to relate appropriately to a wife after spending many years relating to a shtender.
The actual phase of chosson and kallah instructions and guidance is frought with handicap. To date, there is no credential that indicates that one is qualified to serve as a chosson or kallah teacher. The position in a yeshiva or shul is not a relevant qualification. Many of these teachers are great, others teach only halachos, and others fare even more poorly. Learning the nuances of how to count vestos is a critical aspect that needs to be taught. How to communicate, respect, earn respect, and value the marriage are equally critical. Omitting these is a gigantic risk. Some of these were taught by society, and the community was on a greater spiritual level. we lack the safety of the shtetl.
There are other forms of progress (or regression) with the influences of technology, other worldly values, etc. that make our lives different. And we need other measures to protect ourselves from becoming victims of these developments. There are “norms” and “standards” that one can see all around us that are the products of our times. Of course, we can label these and ban them. But that seems to be relatively ineffective.
We also should seriously question the myth of the “learning boy” and the girls that look for them. The placing of Torah as the priority element of a lifestyle does not require kollel, and does not contradict earning an honest living. Pushing that agenda in our yeshivos and seminaries is misguided and unhealthy for marriages.
I am not addressing the Freezer, nor Lakewood. I am addressing the many couples that emerge from their Sheva Brachos with shell shock, and no one to approach to seek help. Sometimes a Rosh Kollel is useful for this, but often not. Seldom is a chosson or kallah teacher the right person for the already married couple. And family is almost always a horrible choice for this.