Joseph:
You mischaracterize my position. I have no issue neither with Torah Law nor with takanos of Rabbenu Gershom. Let me try and explain again, perhaps my earlier comment was not clear.
There are marriages that are dead. Some rabbonim and professionals can recognize these cases. Neither party wants a true marriage relationship. There are some people that the “institution” of marriage is convenient for them, and we can resort to imagination to guess what some of these might be. Regardless, there is no interest in returning to a relationship of shlaimus, positive emotion and affection, partnership, etc. The request for shalom bayis in these cases has no truth to it, and is exploited for the delay, often extended delay, that this produces. It is an abusive strategy, and in all likelihood continues a dynamic that was central to the relationship and a factor for the desire to terminate it.
Rabbenu Gershom contributed to some evening of the playing field. Yes, there are cases where a couple should be referred from the beis din to a professional. There are marriages that deteriorated to a “hopeless” state that turned around and had a happy ending. And batei din, understandably, are apt to do that with any situation in which either party requests shalom bayis, even if this is against all odds. I do not have an issue with the batei din. I have an issue with the men or women that use the tactic as part of their abusive pattern. We can call such men “m’agnim” and such women “m’agnos”. Neither are tolerable. And women often lose when they try this because the men can pursue heter meah rabbonim while the women have no such recourse.
How can you tell when the request for shalom bayis is sincere and when it’s an abusive tactic? Not always easy.