I am finding the discussions here and elsewhere about “learning boys” both comical and alarming. Having been involved with shidduchim, my own children, providing info for those who list me as a reference, etc., the entire notion is built on myths, and often frank dishonesty.
1) Learning after getting married is a wonderful thing, as is any and all Limud Hatorah. No disagreement.
2) The real, true learning boy is not the average yeshiva bochur that adopts this label when entering shidduch age. We all know the difference, but find it politically incorrect to express it.
3) A large percentage of boys that marry as “learning boys” do so as a matter of social status. Many do not remain in that status long, and others get chased out of it by the supporting parents. in-laws, or spouse. No empirical data on the numbers, but they are not low.
4) There is also a status symbol to girls requesting to marry a learning boy. That suffers the same set of mistaken beliefs.
5) Plenty of boys and girls who talk about the “learning boy” myth are seeking to placate parents who are klai kodesh or have other community status.
6) The preoccupation with the “learning boy” diverts the focus on the mission of life to be a Yerai Shomayim that wishes to establish a home of Yiras Shomayim. So midos tovos are assumed, as is the readiness for marriage. Yet, extreme erudition in Shas, with many completed mesechtos does not guarantee either Yiras Shomayim or midos tovos.
I expect vicious attacks for speaking like this, but the challenges are coming from the ideal. Bnai Torah should manifest all wonderful midos and hashkafos, plus an internal motivation to pursue Limud Hatorah according to the mishna of פת במלח תאכל. Yes, the ideal. But does it happen in real life? Which “learning boy” are we seeking. The ideal one or the live one? Until this confusion dissipates, it remains foolish to hang up the sign with such a demand or expectation.