n0m:
I think you did not get my sixth point. My message was that the midos and Yiras Shomayim are not correlated with learning, even strong learning. It should be, but it isn’t. The increase in Torah knowledge has not created a healthy and happy home. But midos tovos and Yiras Shomayim does.
The familial relationships issue is huge. It achieved notoriety years ago, and one would believe that we learned lessons since then. But, alas, nothing was learned. I hear frequent situations of girls or boys who refuse to leave their parents in order to connect to their spouses. Regardless of the excuses given, there is still a Torah guide that is not disputable: על כן יעזב איש את אביו ואת אמו ודבק באשתו. The criteria the Torah places on the married person is to disconnect from parents to cleave unto the the spouse. Yet, there are countless cases of parents who insist on maintaining a controlling interest in their married children, often citing their financial support as reasons for their being followers. And the incoming boy or girl is frequently frightened of this, and should be. Mechutanim can have contests who gets the children to be by them for Shabbos, Yom Tov, who chooses names for grandchildren, and countless other interferences. It’s hard enough for newlyweds to solve their disagreements. Swallowing the additional ingredients from parents and in-laws is cruel and unusual punishment.
Lastly, the extreme erudition in Shas indicates wonderful skill in learning and retaining information. It is as correlated with midos and Yiras Shomayim as lesser degrees of retained learning.
There is a story related from Rav Chaim Vital whose talmid died young. The talmid came to his rebbe in a dream, and reported that the BD Shel Maaloh decreed gehinom for him. He said he could not understand why. He mastered Shas and Halacha, he was well versed in Kabbalah, bith the knowledge and the practice. His sentence was inconsistent with his understanding of his life. His rebbe responded, “At home you were abusive. You caused enormous amounts of pain to your wife, and your children, in turn, suffered as well.” המבין יבין.