These discussions get a bit silly. Commenters make all sorts of generalizations and propose various inane ideas. And it boils down to bashert and hishtadlus.
But let’s examine one of the greatest decoys of all time, as it does impact the shidduch scene. The myth of the learning boy. Yes, it’s a fantasy. The scholarly prowess of a boy has a zero predictive factor in how he will be as a husband or father. One might be able to successfully determine how vast of a student the boy is, but we have never devised a reliable method for assessing the midos – which is the true determinant of successful marriage.
So I am essentially trashing the variants of how many times to date. And the bulk of information that gets discovered before the shidduch results in a meeting/date tends to be superficial, and considers areas of info that are trivial, at best. But we now have leaders, roshei yeshivos, rabbonim, and others who deliver us these broad strokes of genius of how many times to date, how much to disclose, and criteria to seek in order to approve. Yet, none of them can suggest ways to do discovery of one’s true midos.
I have listened to some of the talks given publicly to facilitate shidduchim. The disappointment is huge. The speakers purport to know so much on the subject. A recent broadcast was probably pleasant to some listeners. I was waiting for someone to say something smart, and no one gave me something to satisfy that desire. But that’s what we show for the experts.
This is a daring thing to say, but here goes. If we stopped pushing the myth of the learning boy, and made kollel a resource for those who were truly gifted in learning, the scene would change drastically. But that’s my fantasy.