I’m okay not sharing too much. But I remember being beaten with metal, leather, it didn’t matter. Anything was seen as a possible weapon to be used against me. I remember being deprived of food, having to sleep sitting without a pillow or blanket. I feared hunger so much that I couldn’t eat slowly and enjoy food because I was afraid it might not satisfy my hunger long enough to last until the next time I’d have food. I remember being forced to hurt myself, or face more pain. Religious beliefs were used to control me even more, as a form of psychological abuse. Fear was so embedded in me that Jewish music causes me pain to this day. All Jewish music is religious in nature, so how would you feel if everywhere you go reminds you of the abuse? I’ve been through therapy for over 11 years now and I’m still working in trauma therapy to try to overcome the psychological abuses, while living with reminders everywhere I turn in the Jewish community. In my days, no one would listen, so everyone was complicit. Judaism failed me. Humanity failed me. To this day, I see every human as a potential danger to me. All I can do is adapt to live among a society that does not want to change. As they still don’t want to change, it is impossible for me to make a difference as the saying goes, “you can bring a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink”.
You wanted to know, now you heard my horror story. One that I face for the rest of my wretched life. But at least, I don’t try to relive those memories all the time. I’d rather learn to enjoy the positive opportunities life still has to offer me. So yes, I go to trauma therapy. But I connect more with dogs and horses than humans, as I know they understand more than humans do.
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