Health, you are really funny. Don’t give up your day job though. When WW1 broke out the Turks expelled any Jew who did not have Ottoman citizenship (European Jews kept theirs as it was advantageous under the concessions given to European powers). There was even a period when any Ashkenazi was grabbed do to debts from the synagogue that followers of Rabbi Yehuda heChassid tried to build (it was destroyed because of the debt, which is why it is called the Churva Synagogue).
Always, that was Abner “Longie” Zwillman and it was a funeral home. Segal, as his name suggests, was a levy. There is a memorial plaque for him in the Bialystoker Synagogue. There was also a hit man named Samuel “Red” Levine who kept kosher, wore a kippa under his hat, and never carried out a contract on Shabbat if he could avoid it – and even then he first went to shul.