Amom,
so you are also blessed with MIL who helps you with money. Baruch Hashem. I don’t think this is irony that she gives more to the other siblings. There is a mitzva to help someone to pick up an animal “with him”. So, if other brothers are working hard to support their families, she wants to help them. If your husband prefers learning, then his mother feels less obligated to help with him with something he does not bother to attend to himself. And, again, I hope your husband finds a way to make his mother happier about it – not by nudging her, but by doing something that will deserve her respect in whatever ways she sees it. I personally do not know Talmidei Chahamim who do not try to excel in kibud av.
As to using public funds, as you already see, there are other opinions. It depends how programs are structured: I am all for using public funds to support Jewish schools, provided those schools fulfil the general public goals, educating responsible citizens. If the State of NJ consider establishing programs to support Torah learning as it benefits the world, I’ll vote for it. As to using programs designated for poor, as you already see, there are differing opinions here. I see several parts here:
1) benefiting from Torah learning (that is saying my kollel is working, pay me for that). You can ask your husband to point you places in Gemorah of people who refused to have any physical benefit from their learning. So, just the system of paying people to learn is problematic to begin with, as much as we have good social reasons to have it.
2) taking money from charity designated for poor, rather than for learning. In old Jewish communities, poor were supported but checked out also. I am not aware of T’Ch being supported that way. Maybe someone knows.
3) personal attitude. Why would a T’Ch want someone else to pay for his Torah learning, especially questionable? You figured out a job that pays. If you feel you do not get enough, your husband can figure out how to work for a couple of hours a week. you said a Rav permitted it. Did you ask the Rav whether you are permitted to be machmir and not do that?
4) taking general public funds designated for poor. This is a can of worms. When you asked me about a false choice between supporting homeless and a T’Ch: I will obviously pay for both. I would rather donate to a T’Ch of my choice directly and benefit from the mitzva, rather than paying extra taxes and gaining no benefit! Or maybe just use an extra hour to learn myself instead of working to pay the tax. This sounds petty as T’Ch is 1% of welfare funds – but in some places we now have whole cities and people can do analysis how much of public funds is spent on voluntarily poor.