“I’ll stick with my goldfish
They don’t bite
They don’t need to be house trained
They don’t need to be fed often
They love you the same”
I’d respectfully suggest that an alternative to goldfish is simply to purchase several “Beware of the Dog” signs and place them at your driveway entrance and on your front and back doors. You get all of the benefits of goldfish in terms of not having to walk them, feed them, etc. PLUS the security benefits you are unlikely to get from “Beware of the Goldfish” signs.