We must be extremely careful with regards to the “bashert” or the zivug of bas ploni l’ploni. This is the default that is created for every one of us, male or female. However, as the gemora states, this can be undermined or altered. The concept of “bashert” allows in place obstacles. Let’s examine a simple non-shidduch related example. We are told “מזונותיו של אדם קצובין לו מראש השנה.” Our parnosoh for the year is predetermined in our din on Rosh Hashanah. If that is taken at face value, we can all retire on Tzom Gedalia. Our income will find its way to us. Who needs to work? Sounds a bit bizarre. Well, that’s because it is.
The Gemora tells us that a zivug that is bashert can end up elsewhere through tefilah. It stands to reason that if we stop attending to a “shidduch” system, we might not be available to actually meet and marry the one that is “bashert”.
Our Chazal were not placating us, but nor were they telling us to spend our time on the couch waiting for the blessings to shower upon us. This is similar with parnosoh and shidduchim. We must engage in our efforts and hishtadlus. When we “hang it up”, we guarantee that it won’t happen. This is not the failure of Ratzon Hashem ch”v. It’s ours.