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I am a 42 year old alte bochur who has yet to find has bashert. As a classical “victim” of the shidduch crisis, I’ve read countless times from the Chareidi media about how the “age-gap theory” accounts for this crisis, and how because of population growth there are too many frum women seeking too few frum men, blah blah blah.
WADR, however, the evidence indicates au contraire. On all the frum dating sites and WhatsApp shidduch groups that I am on, there are at least three men for every women posted. The few singles events that I attend are overloaded with almost entirely men and very few women. And the women that are actually suggested to me and others don’t seem particularly desperate to find a bashert like the Chareidi media pictures it – in fact most of them reject me before even meeting me.
So what gives? Any answers from the dear members of the YWN coffee room?
It is not unusual for men in their mid-40s experience some form of “mid-life crisis”. To begin with, in your 40’s you are no longer a “bochur” by any definition. You are a man who feels he is being repeatedly rejected by women, notwithstanding your acknowledging that there are many available women out there looking, but just not in your direction.
There are a small minority here in the CR who believe the “Shidduch Crisis” is mainly media hype and your perception of the statistics certainly would support that view.
Take a few months off from your “search” and use the time to critically look inward and assess whether there might be some personal attributes which might not be net positives from the perspective of a woman (not “girls”) in your age bracket (mid-30sto mid-40s) seeking her beschert and decide whether there are personal changes within your control that you want to undertake to make yourself more attractive to these women.
Whatever path you take, much hatzlacha in your search.THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISES
Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.
Mrs. Seminary girl,/Mr. Learning/working boy Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?
Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.
Why are we not putting our faith and trust directly in our loving father, king of kings, ruler of the world Hashem? Especially when we all know the truth that Hashem has everything down to every person’s breath and penny of income already decreed since Rosh Hashanah for the entire upcoming year? Of course we need to do our Hishtadlus but the ultimate secret for success in our needs is to turn Directly to the source Hashem for help in anything.
Dear Yossi,
There are many, many, girls looking for an ideal learning boy just back from Eretz Yisroel. These girls are not realistically factoring in their own age and accompanying circumstance or their own apathy towards learning. They see no need in attending single events or even to be known as an eligible.
Yossi, is it possible the numbers are reversed in your particular geographic area? Maybe try a singles event in another community? I hope you find your bashert soon!
We must be extremely careful with regards to the “bashert” or the zivug of bas ploni l’ploni. This is the default that is created for every one of us, male or female. However, as the gemora states, this can be undermined or altered. The concept of “bashert” allows in place obstacles. Let’s examine a simple non-shidduch related example. We are told “מזונותיו של אדם קצובין לו מראש השנה.” Our parnosoh for the year is predetermined in our din on Rosh Hashanah. If that is taken at face value, we can all retire on Tzom Gedalia. Our income will find its way to us. Who needs to work? Sounds a bit bizarre. Well, that’s because it is.
The Gemora tells us that a zivug that is bashert can end up elsewhere through tefilah. It stands to reason that if we stop attending to a “shidduch” system, we might not be available to actually meet and marry the one that is “bashert”.
Our Chazal were not placating us, but nor were they telling us to spend our time on the couch waiting for the blessings to shower upon us. This is similar with parnosoh and shidduchim. We must engage in our efforts and hishtadlus. When we “hang it up”, we guarantee that it won’t happen. This is not the failure of Ratzon Hashem ch”v. It’s ours.
Don’t confuse attendance at a Shidduch event with actual numbers in the community at large.
Ever consider changing your approach or what you’re looking for? You need to find things in your life that bring you happiness and personal feelings of success so that you have positive things to share about yourself on dates. It’s not easy but there are ways to do better for yourself.
This thread is evidence that older eligible men are invisible and do not count as a statistic toward potential shidduchim.
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