1) “I dont think I did a very good job explaining my thoughts. This is hard to convey this way. My heart goes out to everyone effected by children off the derech. “
Yes you did. You said it quite well.
2) “now I’m going to say something that will really get you & oomis & sjs REALLY insulted. But please understand I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings…we’re just trying to have a constructive dialoge here.O.K. here goes…Oomis & sjs pointed out that it’s a lot easier for someone off the derech to reintegrate to Modern Orthodox society. Both seemed to feel that this was because an off the derech person feels “looked down upon” by the black hat community.”
Might I offer a different, simpler & in my opinion more accurate explanation?
Because Modern Orthodoxy is closer than Chareidi life to the lifestyle they are living now.”
I don’t insult easily, so don’t worry. I disagree with you, though. What you imply is that Modern Orthodoxy = not so religious.
There are many levels of frumkeit within the MO life. Many of us who consider ourselves MO, (talking about women now) cover our hair at all times after marriage, wear clothing that covers our bodies properly, daven three times a day, keep Taharas Hamishpacha to the nth degree, and Shabbos and Kashrus without a question, go to shiurim regularly, and do tons of chessed work in our communities. We have also learned that when a child goes off the derech chalilah, it is not something to hide, but to seek help in dealing with it, working hard to keep the lines of communication open, and accepting that child, so he or she will have a place they WANT to come back to.
The only thing I would not tolerate is the use of drugs. If my child did drugs, he would have to live elsewhere and I would try to get him help in kicking them. But if what he rebelled in was being mechallel Shabbos, or hanging out with less than desirable friends, I would hope I would try to draw him closer. I have not had this problem, so it is easy for me to say all this, from the comfort of my chair. But I have seen firsthand what happens when the chareidim “lose” one of their own. The parents nebbich are the subject of a lot of gossip and whispers (and what a lovely example of middos bein adam l’chavero THAT shows!), and forget about the effect this has on shidduchim for the other kids. Why do you think Lubavitch (and I am not Lubavitch) has been so successful in their kiruv work? They bring people closer to Hashem with love and chessed. Our kids who went astray are far likelier to respond to being welcomed back with warmth, than being made to feel “it’s my wasy or the highway.” The middle of the road is to be commended, not castigated.