Joseph, in response to Oomis’s “But I could be wrong” you said That’s right!
– are you trying to imply that she is wrong? I would much more likely take a woman’s point of view on what young women are comfortable with over a man’s. And I cannot imagine most women talking to their rabbonim about what to do about the lack of attractiveness of their prospective husband. There are some things that are women only conversation.
As for consulting daas torah – that term is thrown around way too much sometimes. Its one thing to ask a Rav his opinion on the prospective mates haskafa or halacha or rabbonim – or even ask his opinion. But to assume that because he is a rabbi he knows whether or not you will have a happy marriage? Just because someone is perfect on paper, doesnt mean the person is right in real life. The Rabbi cannot answer that question for you – only YOU can say yes or no. And then YOU have to live with that decision (good or bad). Consulting people you trust for opinions is a great idea but
advice is only that – no Rabbi (or parent or friend or teacher) should tell you who or who not to marry (unless their reasons are halacha/hashkafa based). No Rabbi/Parent/Friend/Teacher will be living in your marriage for you – thats YOU.
As for the age – there is no magic age where everyone is ready to get married. I know some girls who are ready at 18 – I know some guys who are really never ready. I know girls who get married just to leave their parents house – one girl like that just got divorced and has 4 kids under 6.
I think its a shame that most Jewish kids never really get a chance to live on thier own. I moved out of my house at 19 because commuting to college was too hard (schedule wise). I loved living at home (had a great situation, I get along well with my family etc), but living on my own opened my eyes to who I am, rather than who I am with respect to my family. No, it did NOT mean I broke any halacha of any sort, just that you get more familiar with who you are. This isn’t for everyone (not everyone can withstand the pressures of the outside world if they arent supervised by their parents).
What amazes me most is that parents are so strict with their “adult” children, but then have no problem with them getting married. IMHO, if they arent mature enough to be trusted, they arent mature enough to get married. I don’t think this is something I will ever understand.