Anothr factor helping out in the chassidish world is that a husband and wife are not expected to be soulmates. She’s the mommy, he’s the tatty. He hangs with his chevra, she hangs with her chevra. It’s a much different relationship. In the olden days, women were married off to men who could support then. There was no “soulmate” idea either. It was understood that she was your “bashert”, and that there was no doing better. I’m sure they grew to love each other though.
Jothar, I think you’ve hit it on the nail. Nowadays, some chassidim still go with this system. Guy/girl sounds right, everything checks out and they just go for it. They make it work. They don’t focus on blemishes and what not. They don’t wait for the illusive fireworks. They simply make it work. And I do believe they’re just as happy.
Could it work for us? Maybe, but not so radical. But I do believe people need to realize that Mr. or Mrs. Perfect is not around. If the partner checks out in terms of middos, goals, personality, work on it to make it work. If you’re not sure, then date for a little bit longer while putting in effort to see if you can appreciate them for who they are and not what they are not…
Many people will stop seeing someone if they don’t feel “chemistry” after 2 dates. This is so ridiculous. It’s probably better that you don’t feel that chemistry right away – allowing you to be more objective for the more important overall picture of who that person is.