Re Jothar and chassidim and soulmates: in the Litvishe (pardon the expression but more yeshivishe) world, that’s not expected either. Men and women do pursue separate directions a good part of the time. Rabbi Avigdor Miller, zt”l would have some interesting input in that.
And frankly, I don’t feel that my husband is less than than my soulmate-soulhalf, etc. if he doesn’t accompany me everywhere, and the reverse is true too.
tzippi, Excellent point. Hagoen Rav Avigdor Miller (who’s not Chasidish) wrote in his book, Awake My Glory:
1095. There cannot be two kings. The marriage relationship is two-fold. 1) The wife is submissive. This is not only Jewish but natural. There can be no harmony when there are two commanders. Without this indispensable condition, the home is disordered. “Arrogance is unbecoming a woman” – Megillah 14B. For a man it is not an ornament, but for a woman it is as if she wore a mustache. 2) The second, but equally essential foundation: a man must always demonstrate respect for his wife. This is “the way of Jewish men that… honor and support their wives in truth” as stated in the Jewish marriage contract. “He honors her more than his own body” – Yevamos 62B, Bava Metzia 59A. He is the captain, but she is the First Mate whose counsel is respected. She cannot be made a doormat, she need not beg for money, she deserves some assistance in the house chores, and the husband sides with her against his kin. He must express frequent appreciation and give words of encouragement, and he should remember his wife from time to time with gifts, big or little. Husband and wife should always say “Please” and “Thank You” and never forget to be always polite to each other.
To an untrained observer, if not told the source, would possibly presume this is only a Chasidisha view; but in fact it is the Torah view and how we’ve succesfully practiced marriage throguhout our long history.
can anyone explain to me why it used to be perfectly ok for a man to have more than one wife? i have never heard a satisfactory answer to this and i would really like to understand this.
ames, To make it short and sweet, it is because the Torah says so. (I don’t think Sefardim have been mekabel Rabbeinu Gershum’s takana at least until in the last few decades. Some Yidden cane to Israel from Arab countries with more than one wife.) But this was the exception; most people had one. Its difficult enough affording one wife (hehehe ;-), how many people could actually afford more??
Jothar, which Chazal says that the ideal is one man, one wife. (It shtims, just want a source.)