Daniel Breslauer-
You have some tough questions that I can’t answer, and would probably be better answered by a rov than by the CR crowd.
As with all baalei teshuva, you deserve respect – you’ve made a major change in your life and have sacrificed things that frum-from-births never miss because they never had.
Even within the ffb community, many people live with some contradictions between their hashkofos and their actions, as we are almost all deficient in some way.
I wish you all the best in achieving nachas ruach (peace of mind) in your place within the frum community.