AOB, is that like an elders first thing?
moish, I’m not sure exactly what happened, but I’ll tell you this. I have what to daven for (trust me on this one) and sometimes I can’t sometimes I would love to daven with real tears because something is bothering me so much and I just can’t which of course makes it worse. I want you to know, you are not the bad guy, (as in NOT the bad guy) to get very frank, I think you care a tremendous amount and there is something bothering you (more than guilt, maybe it’s just the honesty thing) when you want to do something. I want to make two comments.
1. Tonight, everyone was a little out of it, like erev pesach type. If you read the middah thread, you’ll know I can, at times, be a little lazy. I did things, several times, that normally would have taken me time to get to do, because I wouldn’t put my mind to it. Last night, when you wrote that you didn’t go out, when you wanted to, and it was hard. I told myself that you overcame something like that which was really hard, and I can’t overcome something simple like laziness? not happening. Much as you don’t want to admit it, because of you, I overcame something and its going on your cheshbon.
2. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I, (nor areivim, or anyone else) can say this enough. Hashem loves you more than anything in the world. I just heard one of “the shmuz” (and mind you I don’t mind listening to these things, but I don’t do it too often. It was #105 if anyone would like to hear it, since it’s probably available online) Basically it said, that Hashem, out of infinite kindness, will make a person suffer (maybe this is not the “classic” suffering but it is nonetheless.) He gives a person everything, and realizes that something needs fixing so He “waits” for the person to do something wrong, to give him something, because at least then there would be a reason for yissurim. Hashem does it out of pure love for the person, not because He’s trying to get back at anyone.
Remember by yetzias metzrayim, the people who did teshuva were saved, and so were the people who wanted to but didn’t know how. I dont know if you did the first category, but from what I know you fit very well into the second. Remember that Hashem wants you as close to Him as possible.
Forget about your friends, if anything, they’re a stepping stone for you, because you were with them, and you realized where you were, and now you regret it. Thats the first step, and thats the hardest one.
something tells me this was not the chizuk you were looking for, if theres anything else I can help you with, feel free to ask away. Hatzlacha! 🙂