i’m guessing that’s it for the updates, but i just saw this.
first of all, i did wake up and put on t’fillin and daven this morning. not with a minyan or anything, but ok. i just felt worse afterward- like the biggest hypocrite on planet earth. plus guilty the entire time because you don’t wanna know WHAT was on my mind – with t’fillin and all. complete backfire.
(i actually woke up just in time to say bircas hachama – and 9 AM is the middle of the night for me.)
anonymisss,
anshei knesses hagedolah incorporated more or less everything you could ask for into the shmoneh esrei. but i don’t think they knew what i was feeling. i think you’re mixing that up with dovid hamelech and tehillim. they say dovid felt every type of yessurim ever because his neshama was an extension of adam’s and we all come from adam. i can’t imagine dovid in my position, but i won’t argue.
kapusta,
i hate to break it to you, but that’s not too comforting either. i didn’t doubt that it’s from hashem. and i definitely don’t doubt that i deserve it. but how did i get to deserve it? because i get bigger tests or have greater taavos.
so basically, hashem gives me a close to impossible test, waits for me to fail and then pays me back with suffering? gee that’s i great way to look at it. pure love or not, there’s no way i’m getting out of this alive. (or dead, for that matter.)
and about my friends- i’m not forgetting about them. they’re everything i have. which means that at the current moment i have almost nothing and it’s my fault. they’re better than i am (not that i’m the bad guy) at least they didn’t ditch me the way i did to them. i didn’t completely do anything – that would be really scary, i just hang out less often. like i’ve said before- no one else is going to gehinom because of me. let them burn on their own accounts.
except i can think of things that i’ve done that made other people sin. but those are one time cases – it’s not the norm.
and by the way, my mother came into my room while i was davening. i’m ready to kill someone. she doesn’t have to know everything.