anonymiss- wow. I am no longer needed, seriously
Thank you for reiterating countless times that all we have to do is TRY. Period.
Trying isn’t part of it- it’s the whole point.
I’d like to add:
moish-
You came seeking inspiration for wanting to daven. You were obviously in one of your “moods” (as you call it). We were right along side you and trying to help. You really do not have to listen to anything, but don’t argue points which you know deep down are true.
In addition, “your moods” are not moods. They are reminders from Hashem; isolated moments of inspiration. I will repeat- if you do not act upon this inspiration right away, you will lose it… until the next time around. How exhausting. What a rollercoaster. Don’t you want to get past one point- get on to the next stage already? Besides, Hashem doesn’t offer too many reminders.
You feel horrible that you were thinking non-kosher thoughts while davening…
And you think Hashem can’t read your thoughts when you’re NOT davening???
I’m not saying this to freak you out- I’m saying this so that you can view davening as ‘normal’. It’s how you are naturally. You don’t have to daven only when you are feeling good and inspired and pure. Davening is for when you are feeling lousy, low and rotten too. ESPECIALLY when you’re feeling low and rotten…
No matter how you are at any given point in life, Hashem wants to hear from you. Even if your brain is muddled with things you’re ashamed to come to Hashem with.
There are tactics to clearing your mind of such things, but that’s a few steps further…
You didn’t turn a corner? Fine- I don’t know you at all, from beans, from a hole in the wall. We are completely anonymous. Better?
Ok- now that we cleared that up, what do you call your asking for help in bettering your davening? I don’t have to know you in order to say you’ve turned a corner! ANYONE asking for this has turned a corner.
So you think a ba’al t’shuva is only someone that has corrected everything?! WRONG. Any sort of spiritual growth, or any part of your middos, neshama or character which you are even ‘just’ WORKING ON correcting, is in the category of a ba’al t’shuva. Think of the literal translation of a “ba’al t’shuva” and you will realize that (hopefully) almost all jews fit in to this category.
I understand your fighting of the fact that some things may have changed. Change is hard, especially when it affects deep rooted character traits; something that has become a part of who you are. So you can negate and argue and deny… for now. Take your time- there’s no rush. After all, you’re only 16 (going on 35).
If you respond, I know part of the response will “thank” me for making you feel guilty. That’s not why I say the things I do, but if it does cause guilt- I hope it is ‘good guilt’ and that it leads in the right direction.
I am extremely happy that you davened and put on t’fillin- Hashem is even more ecstatic. This is something where I can freely use the expression “it fills my heart with joy” without exaggerating or sounding dramatic. Congratulations moish! I don’t care if it’s on and off, that you used to do it etc… I am very very happy that you were inspired enough to daven OR felt a need to talk to Hashem at that time. Take that moment of connection with Hashem and build on it- don’t let it slide.
Also-
I don’t know about the rest of the CR crew, but I take the time and thought to type these responses and I hope you are taking the time to read, re-read and re-re-read them. There are many different, small and big points being brought to the fore. They need to be absorbed properly. We keep going in circles… because what we have said in the past is not being absorbed.
Yes- there’s a lot of repetition, but sometimes it’s just one new sentence, a fresh perspective, that hits the spot.
I feel drained after reading these very difficult and heavy conversations. I can feel that what you are currently going through is tough, tough, tough. So if I’m just READING it, but you’re EXPERIENCING it… wow.
Try not to focus on “why me”. Just try- please. If anyone has advice on how to get past this- please share. (I think it’s all rooted in emuna. Technically, that should be a starting point for anything a person is trying to work on.)
Well, moish- this does form an emotional connection. Anonymous or not
(I’m so dizzy)