kapusta,
i hate to break it to you, but that’s not too comforting either. i didn’t doubt that it’s from hashem. and i definitely don’t doubt that i deserve it. but how did i get to deserve it? because i get bigger tests or have greater taavos.
so basically, hashem gives me a close to impossible test, waits for me to fail and then pays me back with suffering? gee that’s i great way to look at it. pure love or not, there’s no way i’m getting out of this alive. (or dead, for that matter.)
moish, 1. let me clarify something for you, Hashem doesn’t just decide one day, I dont like moish, I’m gonna give him impossible tests, which he wont pass, and then I get to give him impossible suffering. He gives you tests because for you to fulfill your tafkid in life, you need to go through certain things. say for a minute (just a minute) that one day you’ll end up working with teens at risk, do you think a guy whos one of the “tops” in lakewood could relate to any teen who has tempations when all he knows about is sitting in a bais medrash and going to the earliest minyan every day since he was 13?
2. did you ever hear of Imo Anochi btzarah (Hashem is with those who are suffering) Why would someone give someone suffering out of their “pleasure” and then say that?
I don’t know what your tafkid in life is, and I don’t think you do either, but this is supposed to mold you into the person that you are supposed to be, no one is doing this for fun.
I’ve read some of your other comments and I’m no baki at this, but you just sound plain depressed. I can tell you (from experience) that its possible to hit the lowest of the low emotionally. It gets better though.
Before you tell me how you don’t want to hear this now, and I know you dont, I would ask you how the modeh ani is going, but more than that, I’m gonna ask you to take on something extremely small, that isn’t indefinite (I’m not telling you to give up modeh ani,) try, even just for a week, to count sefira. I’ts not especially hard, and if davening is too much it could be your way of showing Hashem that you’re ready for a change and that something is not right in your life, and you need help. HATZLACHA RABBA!
sorry mod, writing it wasn’t easy either…