There are 2 type’s of families that make Bar mitzvah celbration’s, whether they be ostentatios or even “just a shabbos kiddush”. The one’s that can afford the expense and the one’s that can not afford the expense.
As long as making a Bar mitzvah celebration is very popular and the norm, the families that can not afford the expense have a severe problem with each time their boy hits 13. They can not afford to make anything. In many cases they can’t afford basic neccesities in their life as it is. The burdon to keep up with the rest of the world is devastating. They can’t not make anything because they as it is, have issues that they aren’t able to provide well enough for their failies like they see others do. for them to take the first stand and not make any celebration at all is asking too much from already broken down financially strapped parents / Almonos or out of work fathers’. The one’s that have to make the first stand against all Bar mitzvah celebrations are the well to do families that can afford all the basic expenses in life and choose to not spend money on Bar Mitzvah celebrations. When a well to do family spends money on even just a shabbos kiddush, they are guilty of perpetuating a tremendous amount of pressure on all of the poorer familes in our khal. Who should be bold and couragous enough to stand up and say, I will be the first (or the 2nd or 3rd)family in town who will not make a Bar Mitzvah celebration? The poor? That’s not fair and it wouldn’t work to extend over to the richer families anyways.
I can easily afford to make a very extravagant affair for my children by the way and chose to not make even a shabbos kiddush for my 13 year old. I explained to him my thoughts and asked him his opinion on the matter. I was not surprised to hear him gladly say he wasn’t interested in keeping up with anyone else or being part of a burdon on people who couldn’t afford to keep up with us. He’s a great kid and I believe the experience (or lack of celebration experience rather) helped mold him into being a much more mature and sensitive individual. I never once saw his not having any celebration hurt his yiddishkeit or ahavas Yisroel in any way at all. He’s 15 now and everyone in klal Yisroel should have a boy with such good middos like him.
good middos doesn’t grow on tree’s though. you have to teach it to your children. No child learnt good middos because he had an expensive affair in his honor or a shabbos afternoon kiddush in shul where everyone fresses away on cholent and kugel. Middos don’t come from fressing bouts.