I want to say something about being a role model and teaching OTD and others who “wish” to move up. I was mentoring this teenager many years ago and she told me that she was upset with her Rabbi because he told her she had to hold negiah for 30 days and now he told her to extend it. She felt he tricked her and she wasn’t sure if she was going to listen to him because she felt tricked and didn’t trust him.
So I honestly asked her what the real issue was, did she feel that she had to have physical contact with the boy in order to be friends. She asked me what I was getting at. I told her that if any boy chose not to be her friend because she wouldn’t allow him to touch her then he wasn’t a friend at all. That anyone who didn’t respect you and what you believe in is not worthy of your friendship. That got her thinking.
Then I asked her why she feels the need to have boys in her circle of friends. Again she asked me why I was asking. So I explained to her that she wasn’t thinking about her future only the here and now. In not too many years from that time she would be grown up and be considering marriage. When she will choose her soulmate she will have a string of “friendships” that will be ghosts she will be bringing into her relationship with her husband. How terrible it would be if she will later compare her husband’s smile to that of another “friend” or his laugh or his looks, etc. How would you feel if you had to worry about all your husbands old friends that he might be comparing to you? That is what you risk when you mingle in mixed company, bringing ghosts and barriers into your future marriage.
A week or two later she came back to me with this story: A group of us went on an outing in a big van. The guys were helping us to step out, when it came to my turn and he held out his hand to me I said “no thanks I hold from negiah”. When we were all grouped together he made this big announcement. “I want to congratulate “L” because she goes to P1 and the rest of you girls go to BY. She had the courage to tell me in no uncertain terms that she holds from negiah and would not allow me to assist her out of the van”. Mrs. B, she said, my mouth dropped open I thought I was going to cry, then all the boys started to applaud and whistle for me. They all said how proud they were of me.
Two weeks later she came back and told me she said goodbye to all her friends that were boys and told them that she decided not to speak to boys any longer. They all wished her well.
Today she is married to a very yeshivish boy and she is the most tznius girl you can imagine. You can’t even find one single hair escape from under her teichel, nor will you find any skin showing.