Hi,
I’ve been a lurker for a while but decided to post- so hi to all first off before I offer my two cents!
Here are my thoughts on this topic:
1) I think that before a shadchan makes you come and meet them, they should talk to you on the phone to see if they deal with people that are in your ballpark so you know that this could be worthwhile for you, then…
2) They should charge a fee only after they have managed to set you up on a first date or (going by the date#2/date#4 concept) after a second date.
Of course, any honest person tells someone this when making the appointment in addition to telling them how much they charge when/if they make a shidduch (just like a doctor, lawyer or any other professional would). This way if the single doesn’t feel comfortable with the arrangement they can say so and back out.
Another thought:
Generally, it’s hard to differentiate in real life between ‘professional shadchanim’ and ‘others’. Both try really hard. Both go beyond their ‘call of duty’ (if they have one). Both use the same coercive methods… and both would really like to see you happy.
Although I agree that the ‘low profile’ shadchanim (ie people who are friends and acquaintances) generally are more on the mark and are usually less hurtful and more respectful and sensitive to singles.
Ah, I have many a story to tell about shadchanim who took advantage of a single girls desperation and charged her for their time… only never to be heard of again.
Let’s see, there’s the one who had me come over on an erev y’t… and had all (9 or was it 10, dunno, it felt like 15) of her kids jumping up and down around us on the couch… in between her taking the phone every time it rang… so that we never actually had a conversation…
Then there’s the one who was more of a family acquaintance (or so I thought) and I happened to be visiting in the area and (although she had never done much for me in the past) I thought I’d go in and say hi… she then charged me as well, saying that it’s good to give someone an incentive to work for you… I was so shocked and uncomfortable that I shelled out the cash… mind you, I never heard from her again…
One more thing- I noticed one of the posters saying that “Singles should get together and network themselves instead of having to go through complete strangers who don’t have any stake in the process, only good intentions. “
This is really not so easy to do. With our society and communities built the way they are, there aren’t many opportunities for singles to network in a way that is comfortable for them (weddings and other social events can be really uncomfortable).
The only way I can think of to do this is for singles to arrange separate evenings for girls to come together and suggest ideas for each other from the pool of guys that they have dated or have researched with a married person who would be able to follow up on the suggestions and vice versa for a guys evening.
That’s it for now.