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emunah613
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I keep the Garden of Emuna handy. It was invaluable in helping me cope with my father’s hospitalization and death. I read it when it first came out and I didn’t connect with the writing at all. Then the sefer somehow appeared during my stay at my father’s bedside and the words rang true for me. I read many chapters to my father and I am sure that although he could barely respond, he was also comforted. When other family members were devastated I handed them the book and they too were able to draw comfort.

When we are told to be dan lekaf zechus it is much more than making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior. The mitzva is to not bear any bad feeling whatsoever. it sounds super human, however nothing in our Torah is impossible. I found the work of Byron Katie helpful in understanding how thoughts affect behavior. Our thoughts create our reality. For example: If we believe that someone insulted us then generally we will act on it and cause a chain of negative events. We need to question thoughts by asking if they are really true. Can I absolutely know that this is true? When you think that painful thought notice what happens to you physically. Who would you be without that painful thought? Then you turn the thought around and try to find three ways that each turnaround is truer than what you originally believed.

I hope I am not boring you but here is an example of how this worked for me. My father oH was a concentration camp survivor. In the hospital he was in agonizing pain (despite the strongest painkillers). I kept having the thought that “he’s been through enough, he shouldn’t be in more pain”. Of course this thought caused me deep anguish and added even more pain to this situation. I was a physical wreck and cried a lot. Deep down I felt that there was a lack on integrity on my part and I needed to discover why I felt this way. I had to question my belief that he shouldn’t be in pain. I said, My father shouldn’t be in pain”. Then I turned it around and said “I shouldn’t be in so much pain”. It hit me that I was experiencing tremendous suffering witnessing his pain which was not doing anyone any good at all. I realized that his pain is not for me to comment on, this is Hashem’s doing. Plus there was my father suffering and me suffering, too-doing no good for him or me-just adding more to his pain. I continued “Where would I be without this thought?” My honest answer was “Able to be there for him one hundred percent.” Freeing myself from this thought allowed me to be there for him totally and unselfishly. I became what he needed to see, a cheerful devoted smiling, competent daughter. When I came to this realization and let go of my erroneous beliefs, I changed and I saw a change in my father, and he gripped my hand very very tightly as though he understood the thought process going on in my head. He died shortly after that and I believed he knew that I would be okay-that I could let him go and live my life without him in this world. The process was not overnight, and the old thoughts kept returning every time I saw his catheter filled with blood and his gasping for breath on a respirator. Seeing his body erode into skin and bones…I had to really go through this thought process constantly and many times I was unsuccessful. I just kept at it until I really felt that I was being honest with myself. I knew I was doing all the hishtadlus known to us, and was on the phone to Rav Elyashiv every step of the way. I know that this pain accomplished something for my father and that for some reason I was chosen to be the child to see it the most clearly. In helping him by being there for him I was able to ask mechila for everyone in our family and have him say viduy (before the respirator). I organized tehillim, and acts of chesed on his behalf. Additionally I dealt with the hospital paperwork, doctors and insurance.

My thinking was the cause of all of my suffering and by questioning it and turning it around I was free of the misery and able to be there and be productive. If you read this all the way to the end I hope it is mechazek!